Friday, June 04, 2004

a square peg

So, I'm starting my new job on the 14th. I guess I should feel something about it, but I don't... it's not what I ever dreamed I'd be doing in my mid-twenties... but I get what I've worked for, and I haven't worked for much.

I've been putting off posting again. The reason is (I think)that I try to be as honest as I can here, and it's not easy for me to do with certain subjects.

As I was saying to c.b. and SAM in the comment section of my last post...

For some reason I just really haven't clicked with A.A. I actually love the spiritual principles, love the steps, love the way of living... I will carry a lot of that with me even if I never set foot in another A.A. room again. I guess it's partly the people... and partly that I'm just antisocial a lot of the time.

I have no problem with my addictions therapy group that I attend once a week... because there's someone with a master's degree in the subject guiding it along. In AA, sometimes it feels like the inmates running the asylum... pompous blowhards leading meetings... cliquishness... all the "experts" with conflicting opinions. People rambling on about their personal life, usually without any kind of connection to alcohol.

I feel bad saying all that. But it's what I think oftentimes. I've been to a good number of different meetings. I've been sober for going on 17 months. But I've never felt like a part of a group. I've never had much extended contact with people there. As I said, I'm pretty antisocial. I don't really enjoy small talk with people I don't really know. I don't start conversations with people I don't know unless it would be really awkward not to. And I have a hard time relating to people who aren't like me in a few ways... and around here in A.A., that's just about everyone. Most of the time I'm the youngest male by 10 years or so. They're not the people I drank with or hung out with...

It's getting late. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this anymore. More later.


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