Wednesday, May 19, 2004

back in my cage

I'm back.

When I arrived there I thought I'd completely lost my mind. Why in the world was I checking into this hotel so far away from home, alone? Especially in such a bad frame of mind? I hated the place... nothing but bad memories. I considered leaving back for home that night.

A few hours later I didn't want to go home anymore. By the next day I wasn't sure if I EVER wanted to go home again.

I loved being able to stay up as late as I wanted without tiptoeing around the house. I loved being able to take a shower with the bathroom door open. I loved having a nice porch on which I could sit and read in peace.

It was wonderful to be able to meditate in silence. To say my prayers out loud. To sing. To wake up, not be woken up.

To be able to go out and take a long walk at night without cars whizzing past, without having to smile and say hello to neighbors I don't like, without being stared at like I'm some burglar by neighbors I don't know.

There, I felt like my own human being. Here, I'm part who I think these other people want me to be and part smoldering resentment over the fact that I'm incapable of being who I want to be.

There, I just was who I was. A bit rougher, a bit less people-pleasing, a bit more vulgar... every bit as confused, but at least I wasn't something I was not. I was comfortable in my ugliness. And I think I was more willing and able to change it, maybe. Because it wasn't for other's sake or for appearance's sake. It was for my own.


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