Sunday, May 23, 2004

just standing around and i don't know why

I'm really not in the mood to write right now, especially given that I just got done writing a paper for school... but I'm going to do it anyway, just to stay in practice.

Right now I am just numb. I have spent almost the entire weekend in my house, and I am going further insane than usual. I still haven't heard from the company I was supposed to start working for... God only knows what has happened. If I don't get the job, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I have no real experience or job skills... and all of the other entry-level jobs I've found are either dead-end jobs or don't pay well enough to enable me to live on my own -- which is something I really want to do desperately. In this house, I just feel like I'm waiting to die.

I remember back when I was 18 and had moved back home after flunking out of college... I had never intended to come back home after I left for school. But there I was, feeling like the world's biggest failure. And here I am, more years than I care to count later, and the feeling hasn't changed...

I don't know where I'm going with this. But every year I feel like something has got to give... but nothing ever does. I guess if I want anything, I have to go get it... but that's a prospect that has always scared me to death.


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