Fading away into maturity

... so I lied, and no other post came on Thursday.

I've just had a hard time summoning a "voice" in the past few days.

I found out yesterday that soon I will be getting the job that I applied for a while back -- the "career" job. The one that affords the trappings of a solid middle-class lifestyle -- all at the low price of being a faceless cog in the machine.

But, I have to eat. And if I'm ever going to have a spouse, let alone a family, then a stable job and a livable income are necessities. I'm getting too old to spend my time scheming over striking oil or changing the world -- or maybe I'm just old enough to realize that I'm never going to.

I can admit it -- accept it, even -- but it still somehow doesn't feel right.

Inside out

Way too tired tonight for anything other than a simple little post...

Today (yesterday, technically) was my first day back at work in almost a week. It felt good, for the most part.

It was inspection day, so all of the management was there, including the owner. Normally, I'm a bit anxious and shy when around them, particularly when it's a group of them, but not today. Part of the reason was they were in a good mood, but also lately I haven't been my usual reserved self for some reason.

That's not always a good thing -- it means I'm also less likely to conceal my mood when I'm peeved, which is something I try hard to do at work. Today I couldn't and I'm now paranoid I may have caused some friction between me and one of the managers...

More in the p.m...

time to sleep.

Gettin' ugly

No deep thoughts or emoting tonight, just some odds and ends.

They still haven't fixed my car, so I've been stranded here another day... is there any type of business in the world more troublesome to deal with than auto repair?

Out of curiosity and boredom this weekend I submitted some photos over at hotornot.com. I last did this 4 years ago. Since then, it seems I've lost a little over a point. And I was hoping I'd age gracefully...

Still, I actually scored higher than I thought I would -- so I guess it's my personality the women don't like... ;-)

Or maybe it's just 'cause I'm poor.

Anyway, I can't wait to get back out and about tomorrow...

Till then...

Good night.

Half empty

Sometimes it's hard to stay on the straight and narrow when I really don't believe in God.

It seems the only things that fill me up are the things that leave me emptier the next day.

All I want is to believe in something.

The only comfort I can find is that fate takes its course, and all I can strive for is acceptance that that is the only comfort I'll ever get.

Feeling the love

If I would have known it was this easy to have hot chicks bring me some love, I would've started blogging years ago. ;-)

A very cool blog:

http://celestialblue.blogspot.com/

Time to clean, for real this time.

Somnolence and Lethargy

Ten and a half hours of sleep last night, which has been par for the course this week. Despite it all, it still requires tremendous effort to pull myself out of bed (couch). I figured the weather change and lengthening days would throw my biorhythm out of whack a bit, but this is just weird. On top of that I've been craving cigarettes all day and eating non-stop. All in all, still infinitely better than I was this time last year.

After doing my taxes last night, I discovered I'll be receiving a refund about $1,000 dollars larger than I had anticipated... that takes away a bit of the sting from the car troubles...

I've done nothing today but read the newspaper and hop around the web so it's time to start doing some cleaning.

Cabin Fever

Well.

Today I've done none of the constructive things I'd planned to do, but many of the destructive things I planned to never do again.

Two days off work, and I've lapsed back into the same person I was during my long bout of unemployment -- the old web haunts, the porn, the self-pity, the loneliness, the depression...

Even the agoraphobia has come back to some extent. In my one foray out of the house today (out to pick up prescriptions,) I got that familiar fuzzy, anxious feeling.

But I've learned something, and I only learn the hard way...

Time to start doing my taxes.

Hello, walls

Guess this thing is more private (or the title less enticing) than I'd realized -- no hits after my last post (or is at an "entry"?).

Anyway, I guess I'll stick at this thing for a while -- even this little bit of navel gazing on here has left me feeling a little silly, and given how much of it I do in my head, maybe I've learned something already.

Good night...

Hello, world

Well, I've finally got this thing laid out close to the way I want it. This thing, as the quote below hints at, is a way for me to clarify my thoughts a bit. In doing so, I hope to learn a few things about myself, maybe preventing me from doing some of the stupid things I've done in the past to get myself in this miserable situation I find myself in...

My mood right now can only be described as frustrated -- my car is in the shop for $2500 worth of repairs and I'm stuck at home for the weekend with nothing to do and no one to spend time with who doesn't drive me batty...

I'm really unsure how much self-censorship to use here -- my original plan was to use none, but I'm afraid that might create some boring reading and I'm really not sure I want people to know that much about me, despite my anonymity...

Maybe this whole thing is a silly exercise in narcissism and I should just shut it down right now. I'll think about it...

Is this thing on?

"Thinking tends to express itself in words, spoken or written. The person who says he knows what he thinks but cannot express it usually does not know what he thinks." - Mortimer J. Adler