Wednesday, June 15, 2016

the things i need don't remind me of anything

If it hasn't become clear to anyone who has read this, I avoid things. When I get gifts, or when something becomes rarely used, I shove it in a corner somewhere. So much reminds me of something that hurts that I'd rather forget, or simply is clutter I can't muster strength to begin dealing with. To part with clutter means throwing some things out, and to part with something is to finalize a part in my life -- to admit that a part of me is irretrievably gone forever. It hurts so much to confront the fact that there are things I can't undo, can't redo, and can never claim back again. I hoard my past because my present is so empty. I bog down my future because my past so weighs me down.

Sometimes I think I should fill a box small enough to carry with the things I really need, and then leave the rest behind for freecyclers and bulk trash collectors. I know that no matter where I go, there I'll be, but maybe I can free myself from a little bit of what I've been. It's dead. It's gone. It's over.

Don't get me wrong; I don't want the dead to be forgotten, and I hope this blog lives forever. I just don't want to be the walking dead anymore while I still breathe life.


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