Sunday, April 24, 2005

something different

You'd have thought I told them I was going to join a cult, or at least the circus.

I rented out a room, and my parents haven't taken it well. It's nice to know that people care about you, but... the trauma of their reaction has been worse than the anxiety of living out on my own.

He says people shouldn't live alone. Maybe he's right. Numerous times have I tried to arrange to live with friends, but the plans have never fallen through. Now my friends are about all gone. So it's either take a chance with this or a strange roommate. I've chosen to try this. Maybe one day I'll make some new friends and find some people to live with. Or maybe I'll want to move back "home." I just want to give this a chance.

I almost get the sense that they're more worried for themselves than for me now that I'm leaving. It's that much harder to do now that I feel as if I'm knifing them in the back in some way. And that they're not supporting me in doing this.

I'm not running away to never look back. I'd love to get together and hang out and watch a movie, or go out to play golf, or whatever on a frequent basis. I don't want to abandon my parents. I just want a relationship as adults. Is that too much for a 27 year old to ask for?

Sunday, April 17, 2005

every day is exactly the same

Well, I was doing good there for a while. Getting my teeth yanked went fine, I was sticking to a diet and nearly back to my smoking weight. I was making calls about an apartment, a therapist...

And now I've reverted back to where I was... hiding and eating when I'm not working or sleeping. Fear is winning at the moment. Well, I'll try to find the motivation and courage somewhere.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

can't go home again

I've been doing good and bad recently. Bad in that my mood swings have amplified lately, but good in that in some ways I feel stronger than ever. I've found out that I can handle a cross-country flight without problems (and that alcohol probably intensified my anxiety, rather than helped), that I can spend a week or more thousands of miles away from here and enjoy it, and that I am ready to grow away from this place. I'm tired of it. I really don't see a future for me here other than this dull existence I have. I want to be somewhere where I don't feel I have to act all the time to stay within others' preconceived notions of me. I want to be free to act how I feel to maybe figure out who I am. I know that sounds like a bunch of cliched bullshit, and to a degree it probably is... but as someone who's never really lived away from home, I really think I've had some kind of developmental stunting from that on top of all the other crap that's been my life. Hopefully I'll find the courage and a way to do this soon...