Tuesday, April 05, 2005

can't go home again

I've been doing good and bad recently. Bad in that my mood swings have amplified lately, but good in that in some ways I feel stronger than ever. I've found out that I can handle a cross-country flight without problems (and that alcohol probably intensified my anxiety, rather than helped), that I can spend a week or more thousands of miles away from here and enjoy it, and that I am ready to grow away from this place. I'm tired of it. I really don't see a future for me here other than this dull existence I have. I want to be somewhere where I don't feel I have to act all the time to stay within others' preconceived notions of me. I want to be free to act how I feel to maybe figure out who I am. I know that sounds like a bunch of cliched bullshit, and to a degree it probably is... but as someone who's never really lived away from home, I really think I've had some kind of developmental stunting from that on top of all the other crap that's been my life. Hopefully I'll find the courage and a way to do this soon...


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