Sunday, December 19, 2004

everything i do feels wrong

Well, I'm on a limited time frame -- I don't like to write this way, but if I don't do it now, God only knows when I'll get a chance to... so I've turned out the lights, turned down the brightness level, and now I'll try to cut open a vein.

I visited my shrink recently, and she cranked up one of my medications in an attempt to ward off a depression that's been sinking into me over the past few months. As always, the effects of tweaking my medications are unpredictable. It's a bit like flying blind and mashing the switches and knobs and levers and hoping it somehow rights itself. Usually, it doesn't.

I feel like I've lost about 10 IQ points, and I've become a bit more open but not much less introverted. The effect has been that a lot of the temper tantrums that usually take place between my ears have started to come out of my mouth.

Some of my depression has been lifted -- the "i don't care about anything, i don't want to do anything" mindset has subsided a little -- but I'm growing darker still by the day.

I feel like a slave to synapses; I'm God's little chemistry set. I have control of what I do, but no control over what I feel. Would that the two ever fall into one...


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