Friday, November 12, 2004

from the ashes

Growing up is strange.

Yeah, I'm 26, and I'm still growing up. Sometimes I notice changes and maturation in my thinking and personality, changes that I noticed in my peers -- at 17, 20, 22 or whatever -- that I never thought could happen to me. Things like openly taking full responsibility for a mistake or misdeed. Like letting someone else "win" when they're right -- and sometimes when they're wrong -- and not secretly fuming inside about it. Like sacrificing for others without a sense of resentment or smugness. Like not feeling an overwhelming sense of intimidation or inferiority when confronted or by someone of larger size or superior social status. Like not being as intimidated by beautiful women... Like feeling some sense of duty to help protect the vulnerable... Like looking people in the eye when I'm speaking to them... like looking myself in the mirror and contemplating all of who I am and who I've been... like not just admitting my own mortality, but having a deep sense of it in my bones.

It's not that I do or feel these things all the time or even most of the time. I'm still an emotional infant, but I am growing.

And I'm not sure if it stems from wisdom or naivete, but sometimes I believe that I can still grow to be whatever it is that I want to be.


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