Sunday, March 06, 2005

hysterical and useless

I hate to start writing this late, as I have to take my meds shortly, and they cause me to go brain-dead shortly after consuming them. But, here it goes...

I've been on edge recently. I nearly cussed out my supervisor the other day. I really have to watch myself sometimes... especially when I'm in one of these quasi-manic states.

I still hate my job.

I am seeing my shrink this week as opposed to last. I rescheduled so I wouldn't have to tell my work exactly why I need off.

My first vacation is coming up. It will be both my first airplane trip alone and the farthest away I've ever gone from home. It will be interesting to see if I have a total panic attack. I haven't flown sober in a long, long, time.

My favorite band (who is the inspiration for the title and artwork on this blog) is touring again. I'm going.

I don't know if this is a Pavlovian response or what, but I've just taken my pills and already my head is getting fuzzy.

I've really isolated myself mentally over the past week or so. Everyone is the enemy. Asshole supervisors don't help.

I've been spending a lot of time alone in my head looking at the world, seeing nothing to love and nothing to care about. I've been looking at myself and seeing something inadequate as a vehicle to experience the things that make me feel alive a little -- power, sex, romance, friendship, achievement, recognition...

Alright, now I really am fading away. Time for prayer and for sleep.


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