self portrait

In the back of my mind for hours I think of things to bitch about in this blog, but once I have a blank screen in front of me, my mind freezes up.

I've been in a little bit of strange place lately; but a familiar strange place. A little manic, maybe, a little sad, a little angry, a little restless.

Bored.

I'm bored with my job, bored with my friends, bored with this town, bored with being single...

... but I'm afraid to change any of it. What if I fail? What if I can't do anything else? What if I can't make other friends? What if I'm scared and friendless and cower alone in an apartment? What if no one I'll ever want will ever want me?

So I do nothing. I work grunt jobs. My best friends are the same ones I had 15 years ago with whom I don't have much in common anymore, with whom I can trust with, confide in, or enjoy with little. I haven't so much as held hands with a girl in over 5 years. And I do mean girl, I haven't dated a girl over 18.

So what do you have? A 26 year old who lives with his parents, works a dead-end job, is like an intimidated pubescent around women, and whose socializing amounts to giggling on the phone with with an old high school buddy who's smoking weed and making the same racial jokes that I no longer find funny.

Will someone be my friend? Will someone hold my hand? Will someone get me the hell out of here?