Wednesday, June 16, 2004

help me i am in hell

Tears are welling up in my eyes but they won't fall... maybe this will give me some kind of catharsis.

This new job has hit me hard. The hours, the people, the stress... the taking on of so much more work and shitter hours for a little bit more money... and for a job that many people laugh at. I'm really falling apart a little bit.

I've been thinking about suicide a good deal lately. I used to be able to kind of tell when I thought about that kind of thing if it was sincere or not. Now I really can't. I think about ending it all and I feel comforted. It's my nicest little daydream. I can't imagine anything better anymore. I pretty much died when I was twenty. Sometimes I wish I'd ended it all then. I haven't been happy or close to it since. I don't think I was ever fit to grow up. I can't handle this and I don't want to handle it. It's just a little more pain until I can't take anymore then it backs off just long enough to tease me then it comes back stronger than I ever thought it could.

And for what? I used to think "it'll get better" but it never fucking did. It never fucking does. I quit drinking and try to become a kinder person and what happens? Nothing does. I go through shrinks and medicines and I get down on my knees every day to beg some God to help me out of here and nothing ever changes.

once again the vague fear of hell keeps me going. or am i falling for the same fucking trick again... sometimes i cant help but wonder if i DID kill myself when I was twenty.


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