an interstellar burst

I guess I'll keep my streak of Wednesday check-ins going.

I feel pretty damn good. Work's been going well, the weather has been nice, and the demons have been at bay the past couple of days. I know I'll collapse again soon. But until then I'm just going to smell the roses. It seems like it's been years.

going it alone

It's been almost two weeks since I've been to my counseling group sessions or an AA meeting. I'm not too worried about the former; I've been in the group almost three times as long as the recommended treatment length, and I'm going to leave it soon anyway. And I don't really feel as if I need AA. I know that I cannot drink safely. Therefore, I don't drink. I needed a lot of handholding at first. I'm past that though, I think. Drinking is not an appealing option to me.

I guess what's bothering me is that I feel very alone and spiritually vacant without some sort of guiding philosophy/group/whatever to keep me grounded. My thinking patterns have gotten progressively different in the past few weeks, and not always in a good way.

I wish I did believe in some kind of religion or fit into a recovery group, but the people in them have always rubbed me the wrong way.

I gave up instant gratification. Now what?

A reason. A purpose. A mission. Where?

help me i am in hell

Tears are welling up in my eyes but they won't fall... maybe this will give me some kind of catharsis.

This new job has hit me hard. The hours, the people, the stress... the taking on of so much more work and shitter hours for a little bit more money... and for a job that many people laugh at. I'm really falling apart a little bit.

I've been thinking about suicide a good deal lately. I used to be able to kind of tell when I thought about that kind of thing if it was sincere or not. Now I really can't. I think about ending it all and I feel comforted. It's my nicest little daydream. I can't imagine anything better anymore. I pretty much died when I was twenty. Sometimes I wish I'd ended it all then. I haven't been happy or close to it since. I don't think I was ever fit to grow up. I can't handle this and I don't want to handle it. It's just a little more pain until I can't take anymore then it backs off just long enough to tease me then it comes back stronger than I ever thought it could.

And for what? I used to think "it'll get better" but it never fucking did. It never fucking does. I quit drinking and try to become a kinder person and what happens? Nothing does. I go through shrinks and medicines and I get down on my knees every day to beg some God to help me out of here and nothing ever changes.

once again the vague fear of hell keeps me going. or am i falling for the same fucking trick again... sometimes i cant help but wonder if i DID kill myself when I was twenty.

Busy, busy, busy...

I still haven't gotten around to completing the thoughts of my last post, but I should get around to it sometime soon.

These past few days have been very busy -- I put off so much of my schoolwork that I'm behind despite all the time I've had off work. The only way I seem to operate is under pressure. But too much pressure, and I crack...

... I got a new computer the other day, and I noticed that this blog looks absolutely awful except under whatever settings my old computer was on... guess it's time to learn a little HTML... but first, I have a few other things to learn.

a square peg

So, I'm starting my new job on the 14th. I guess I should feel something about it, but I don't... it's not what I ever dreamed I'd be doing in my mid-twenties... but I get what I've worked for, and I haven't worked for much.


I've been putting off posting again. The reason is (I think)that I try to be as honest as I can here, and it's not easy for me to do with certain subjects.

As I was saying to c.b. and SAM in the comment section of my last post...

For some reason I just really haven't clicked with A.A. I actually love the spiritual principles, love the steps, love the way of living... I will carry a lot of that with me even if I never set foot in another A.A. room again. I guess it's partly the people... and partly that I'm just antisocial a lot of the time.

I have no problem with my addictions therapy group that I attend once a week... because there's someone with a master's degree in the subject guiding it along. In AA, sometimes it feels like the inmates running the asylum... pompous blowhards leading meetings... cliquishness... all the "experts" with conflicting opinions. People rambling on about their personal life, usually without any kind of connection to alcohol.

I feel bad saying all that. But it's what I think oftentimes. I've been to a good number of different meetings. I've been sober for going on 17 months. But I've never felt like a part of a group. I've never had much extended contact with people there. As I said, I'm pretty antisocial. I don't really enjoy small talk with people I don't really know. I don't start conversations with people I don't know unless it would be really awkward not to. And I have a hard time relating to people who aren't like me in a few ways... and around here in A.A., that's just about everyone. Most of the time I'm the youngest male by 10 years or so. They're not the people I drank with or hung out with...

It's getting late. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this anymore. More later.