i've got no motivation

This past week or so I've been unable to motivate myself to do much of anything -- schoolwork, work-work, or this blog. All I've really wanted to do is stare at the wall or the clouds and daydream of a time when life seemed kinda fun and I hadn't flushed my future down the toilet.

Nothing much new to report. I've been even spacier than usual the past couple of days -- doing some ridiculously stupid things. None that anyone's noticed, thankfully. Although I did one today that someone will probably notice later... oh well. I guess if I'm an idiot, I can't hide it from the world forever.

But being an idiot is one of the least of my failures. Things from my past still creep into my thoughts just about every day. Guilt. But what can I do about it?

I'll keep praying. I don't know what else to do...

still faking it

So, I've just taken my night meds, and it's a race against the clock until I can no longer write because I can't hold a thought.

The past week? Oh, I don't know. It was okay for a while. Getting back into the groove of schoolwork, and I went to a couple of AA meetings. I really do like some of them. I'm just still really apprehensive about getting involved for various reasons.

The weekend and today kind of sucked. I can feel myself getting those manic-like symptoms. They aren't too harsh. But they're there, and they scare me. Sometimes parts of my brain just seem to shut down while others speed up to a million miles an hour. Like tonight.

I was an asshole at work tonight. I couldn't contain my bitchiness, paranoia, and slightly condescending attitude. One of my co-workers asked me to pick up a few of their shifts for the next few weeks, and I just about lost it. It was really embarrassing in hindsight. I hate to be seen like that. As they say, it takes a lifetime to build a reputation and a second to ruin it. I just don't know what to do about it. Pray, apologize where I can, and move on, I guess.

Other things have been bothering me, too. I'm not sure if I should mention them here. Let's just say I had a minor incident yesterday. After seeing something that disturbed me. I'm not sure what to do about this problem. But I really think it's hindering me in my recovery. Again, I'll pray, and maybe some God will do something.

still living in this world

Here I am again, isolated in my little cocoon. I've spent the day alone at home except for venturing out to an A.A. meeting. It didn't go too well.

The topic, for some reason, was gossiping -- and it turned into pretty much just that. Sometimes a meeting will just make me want to run in the opposite direction and never come back, and this was one of those meetings. I'd thought that long-time A.A.'s would be beyond such things, but apparently not. It kind of depressed me... in some way I've been looking for the spiritually pure to kind of save me somehow. I was hoping I'd find that in A.A., but maybe not.

It was kind of funny, on tonight's episode of The Sopranos, Christopher, a recovering alcoholic, went out drinking and totally off the deep end over a false rumor. Tony tells him: "Who cares what they think? You know the truth." To which Christopher replies: "Yeah, but I gotta live in the world."

That really struck a chord with me on a few levels. You do the right thing, you try to clean yourself up inside, but everything around you stays the same.

Try as hard as I might to find another way, I still gotta live in this world. And I really haven't liked it very much for a long time.

Okay, maybe I'm rambling... I've been a little spacey (manic?) today. To recap the week... I don't even really remember, so it couldn't have been anything too important.

Time to pray and to sleep.

emotional amnesia

I seem to remember that once I knew what it felt like to know and to be known, to care and to be cared for, to want and to be wanted.

I've been wondering if I don't because I don't or I don't because I can't.