I hate you

It's been an up and down week, and it's ended with me being bitter and pissed off.

I went to quite a few A.A. meetings, and it felt pretty good to do it.

I enrolled in a college distance education course. It looks a little interesting, but also like a lot of work.

I wrote a letter to an old friend/girlfriend telling her what I've been up to in the past five years. It'll be interesting to find out what she thinks of it. But maybe I'll never know.

I went to my friend's going away party at a bar Thursday night. It was pretty bizarre. A few girls I used to hang out with were there, as well as another old friend and a couple of acquaintances. I shot some pool, doing fairly well to my surprise, and talked a good bit, also to my surprise. I left with that feeling of wondering whether I made a fool or an ass out of myself.

The past few days at work I've been a little out of kilter. A little less adroit and apt to hide my thoughts and emotions, most of them negative, of course. I actually briefly yelled at someone today. I think that is a first at work. Again, I left with that feeling of wondering whether I made a fool or an ass out of myself.

And I can't help but keep thinking that life just sucks. I am going nowhere. I have nothing. I have nobody.

And it seems like nobody cares. And that hurts. Because I'm fragile and every slight makes me feel a little less worth living. And that's why so often I think I hate all of you.

too old for this

They say that addicts and alcoholics stop maturing when they start using.

When I was 14, down on myself, down on life, and needed to blow off some steam, I'd meet up with my friends, smoke cigarettes, talk about girls, drink beer, and dream of some kind of future.

What the hell do I do now?

Checking in

Haven't been in the mood for writing recently, but I will just to stay in the habit.

I really lost my temper on Thursday night -- something I rarely do.

Otherwise, it's just been more laps on the exercise wheel: work, sleep, counseling, AA meetings, and a little reading and TV when I can.

I'm extremely bored by it all, but I'm not sure what else I can do.

Considering where I've been, though, bored is a pretty nice place to be.

a leaf falls

I've been a little unstable the past few days.

Part of it's been the fact that I lowered my nicotine patch dosage, part of it the diet I'm on, part of it the people around me, and part of it, I'm sure, just the comings and goings of my moods.

Saturday night kind of sucked. Most of the people I met up with I didn't know, and it seemed those that I did had little interest in talking to me. Those were the people I hung out with back in the "good old days" of partying. I guess I'm a lot less interesting when I'm no longer supplying them with alcohol.

It also hurt a bit to see my "best friend" seemingly more interested in the other people there as well. I realize that we've grown apart somewhat, so I understand...

But it just reinforces the loneliness and isolation I feel. It seems there's no one I have a real emotional connection with anymore.

Maybe no man is an island, but I'm a pretty narrow peninsula.

So, it's been kind of hard the past couple of days just to keep myself from losing it. I know that a lot of what I worry about I'm blowing out of proportion. It's just that I keep waiting for things to get better yet they never seem to.

I do know what I want out of life:

self-esteem;
self-sufficiency;
true friends;
true love;
spiritual peace;
some kind of work to leave the world a better place.

No where close to any of those things, and I don't know where to find them.

I'll keep praying.

No pain, no gain

I'm only barely coherent right now... but I feel the need to put something down.

I was dismayed to find that after six weeks of being smoke-free I've gained about ten pounds. So, I've put myself on a reduced calorie diet (1500).

On day three, here I am going insane... not sure if I can stick with this or not, but I'm not going to let myself become fat again.

Anyway, today at work wasn't too great. I was kind of hyper and a little bit rude to people a few times. I worry myself when I get this way. And I wonder what people are going to think of me now...

Going out with the guys tomorrow night for some "adult entertainment" (their idea, not mine.) Should be interesting...

Oops

Made a few embarrassing mistakes at work today, but my coworkers are probably so used to it by now that I really have no face to save anymore.

I used to let things like that bother me for hours, but lately I've been trying to shrug them off as much as possible...

I've been told that that kind of worrying is a sin of pride, and maybe they're right. It's just that I'm afraid that if I don't engage in self-flagellation, then I'll be doomed to make the same mistake over again.

Reprieve

What a strange day it was.

I can't think of a single thing to complain about.

I can't think of a single thing that went wrong.

All the depressing thoughts that swirl around my head all day were still there, but even they went away when I really wanted them to.

Maybe things really could be getting better...

Alone in a crowd

Well...

It was a pretty eventful weekend as far as my weekends go.

I caught up with many old friends and acquaintances I hadn't seen in years.

It was pretty fun while it lasted, but I left with an empty feeling inside. It's something I always get after those rare occasions when I get out and do any extended socializing. Realizing how emotionally distant and different I am (or feel) from just about everybody really depresses me. And learning how successful and happy my peers are made it that much worse.

Time to say a prayer and go to bed.