a leaf falls

I've been a little unstable the past few days.

Part of it's been the fact that I lowered my nicotine patch dosage, part of it the diet I'm on, part of it the people around me, and part of it, I'm sure, just the comings and goings of my moods.

Saturday night kind of sucked. Most of the people I met up with I didn't know, and it seemed those that I did had little interest in talking to me. Those were the people I hung out with back in the "good old days" of partying. I guess I'm a lot less interesting when I'm no longer supplying them with alcohol.

It also hurt a bit to see my "best friend" seemingly more interested in the other people there as well. I realize that we've grown apart somewhat, so I understand...

But it just reinforces the loneliness and isolation I feel. It seems there's no one I have a real emotional connection with anymore.

Maybe no man is an island, but I'm a pretty narrow peninsula.

So, it's been kind of hard the past couple of days just to keep myself from losing it. I know that a lot of what I worry about I'm blowing out of proportion. It's just that I keep waiting for things to get better yet they never seem to.

I do know what I want out of life:

self-esteem;
self-sufficiency;
true friends;
true love;
spiritual peace;
some kind of work to leave the world a better place.

No where close to any of those things, and I don't know where to find them.

I'll keep praying.