hello walls, redux

I just looked and realized that this is the longest I've gone without blogging since I started this thing, so I figured maybe I should write.

The concert was awesome, not just for the show, but mostly for everything surrounding it. I went with my best friend from my late teens/early twenties. We've become quite distant, even on the few occasions where we've hung out over the past couple of years, but this time it was just like old times. Our senses of humor align almost perfectly, and I had a blast. I also talked a bit to the people around me in line and in the pit before the show started, and it was nice to be just another face in the crowd somewhere I felt like I belonged.

I can't stop eating. I don't know if it's a new nervous habit, addiction, or something biological but I've been eating constantly, especially sugar. I eat until I feel sick and then eat some more.

I still feel incredibly alone all the time. I wish I knew how to make friends. When I was younger, they just happened. Now, 99% of the people I work with are older than me, most of them by a good deal. I don't go to bars. So what can I do? I'd love to do something over the holiday weekend, but I have no one to do anything with.

Guess I'll enjoy the view of the walls -- a new set, that is.

now i just stare into the sun

A few things to vent...

I just found out that my third-best high school friend did not invite me to his wedding. I was a bit surprised, and a bit surprised to find myself hurt by it. He was the one I looked up to the most, and was maybe the most supportive of me when I got really down. Maybe I've never even had a "real" friend. Maybe I don't know what one is. All I know is they all seem to go away and no one ever shows up to take their place.

My moods and thoughts have taken a turn for the worse the past week or so. I've come back to places I've forgotten I've been to and never thought I'd return to. It's scary stuff, sometimes.

I just feel like a total fuck-up. Too much of a fuck-up for a real job, too much of a fuck-up to have friends, too much of a fuck-up for a real relationship... I can't even blame it all on the choices I've made anymore. I think I'm just a fuck-up through and through. And now that I'm old and getting older it just looks that much more pathetic.

Dammit, sometimes I've had my head screwed on tight. But it always comes undone. No reason. It just does. And I guess I'll never have a totally normal life. But can't I have some kind of life? Can't I matter at all?