Sunday, May 08, 2005

now i just stare into the sun

A few things to vent...

I just found out that my third-best high school friend did not invite me to his wedding. I was a bit surprised, and a bit surprised to find myself hurt by it. He was the one I looked up to the most, and was maybe the most supportive of me when I got really down. Maybe I've never even had a "real" friend. Maybe I don't know what one is. All I know is they all seem to go away and no one ever shows up to take their place.

My moods and thoughts have taken a turn for the worse the past week or so. I've come back to places I've forgotten I've been to and never thought I'd return to. It's scary stuff, sometimes.

I just feel like a total fuck-up. Too much of a fuck-up for a real job, too much of a fuck-up to have friends, too much of a fuck-up for a real relationship... I can't even blame it all on the choices I've made anymore. I think I'm just a fuck-up through and through. And now that I'm old and getting older it just looks that much more pathetic.

Dammit, sometimes I've had my head screwed on tight. But it always comes undone. No reason. It just does. And I guess I'll never have a totally normal life. But can't I have some kind of life? Can't I matter at all?


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