self-centered fear

So I was beyond tired this morning. At work before dawn, I was injecting myself with as much caffeine as I could get my hands on in an attempt to shake off a grogginess induced by weeks of sleep deprivation and overwork. I was also particularly irritated at the time; the boss had loaded me up with enough work to keep me hurrying until well after dark.

Later that morning, still incredibly irritated and groggy, I swipe a yard lamp with my work truck. The lamp's not a pretty thing; it's maybe $20 brand new, and it's far from brand new. It probably couldn't have been given away even before I hit it. Still groggy, and more irritated still, I hop out of the truck and check the thing out. It appears that it may be broken -- still functional, but something about it looks wrong, as if a part was maybe snapped off. I glance around briefly for something that looks like it could be a piece. Not finding it, I set it upright, hop back into the truck, and drive off.

As I drive the next couple of blocks down the road, it starts to sink in what I just did.

I start looking at the yards I pass until I spot one with the same type of yard lamp. I look at it... and sure enough, it has a piece the one I hit didn't.

Now I'm starting to panic. What I just did (driving off after hitting it) is probably enough to get me fired or arrested or both. But is it enough if I did no damage? But now I'm starting to think I did damage it. Should I go see if someone is home to tell them? In which case, I'll have to tell work as well -- even if I come to find it was already broken. Also in that case, my day is fucked, work will think I'm incompetent, and -- worst of all -- I'd have to admit that I drove off before driving back to admit to it. I could tell them what was partly the truth -- that I couldn't find any evidence that I had damaged it just then, until I spotted a similar item -- but still, I was worried that even that would be enough to get me arrested/fired.

Head spinning, not knowing what else to do, I drive past the lawn in question. Sure enough, it's missing a piece. I try to nonchalantly scan the yard for the piece (maybe I'd try to fix it?). I see nothing, but it could be hiding anywhere in the grass. I drive off.

I decide to do nothing. My head starts reeling further. My stomach turns sour. My mood darkens even even more. Obviously, I'm far from a great person, but this is the first time in a long time -- since I've been sober, almost -- that I can remember doing anything that is indisputably against my morals/society's morals. Basically, I stole something because I didn't want to face the consequences of my mildly negligent driving ( this was actually minor accident number 3 since I started working for this company; the others I 'fessed up to, but in retrospect I see that I had to).

About a half hour later, I decide to go back and tell the truth. Then I clam up again... I see it all unfold in my head... a whole lot of drama, and for what? Should I totally screw everything I have up just for this? No, I decide, and I leave the area for the next jobsite.

.... This has been gnawing at me hard all day long. Somewhere along the line I decided to donate the money I made today to charity (about $200) for utilitarian ethical and karmic reasons. I did so earlier online.

Utilitarianism be damned, I feel like shit. I am a liar and a coward and a thief.

from the ashes

Growing up is strange.

Yeah, I'm 26, and I'm still growing up. Sometimes I notice changes and maturation in my thinking and personality, changes that I noticed in my peers -- at 17, 20, 22 or whatever -- that I never thought could happen to me. Things like openly taking full responsibility for a mistake or misdeed. Like letting someone else "win" when they're right -- and sometimes when they're wrong -- and not secretly fuming inside about it. Like sacrificing for others without a sense of resentment or smugness. Like not feeling an overwhelming sense of intimidation or inferiority when confronted or by someone of larger size or superior social status. Like not being as intimidated by beautiful women... Like feeling some sense of duty to help protect the vulnerable... Like looking people in the eye when I'm speaking to them... like looking myself in the mirror and contemplating all of who I am and who I've been... like not just admitting my own mortality, but having a deep sense of it in my bones.

It's not that I do or feel these things all the time or even most of the time. I'm still an emotional infant, but I am growing.

And I'm not sure if it stems from wisdom or naivete, but sometimes I believe that I can still grow to be whatever it is that I want to be.

a detuned radio

"It seemed as if people were not voting on his performance. It seemed as if they were voting for what team they were on. This was not an election. This was station identification." - Thomas Friedman (in the New York Times)

I was considering not voting Tuesday evening, but in last hour I went ahead and did it. I voted my conscience -- and left the presidential portion blank. It was a great feeling, and I'm glad I voted. It was in favor of democracy, if nothing else, and it was great to see turnout go up for a change.

I think Thomas Friedman's observation above is accurate, but I WAS voting on his performance -- the way the Iraq war was sold in particular. And the other guy...

... well, I don't really feel comfortable with either of the big parties (or any of the little ones, for that matter.) But alienation is a feeling I'm accustomed to.

Anyway, that's enough politics for a year... time to catch up on some sleep.