i regress

Well...

it's been a while. I often think of what I'd be writing in this blog if I were doing so, but for some reason when I sit down in front of this screen, I can't find thoughts nor words.

My mind's still been a bit in the state I described here two weeks ago. A little bit less so... but it's still disturbing, because I've started to grow comfortable in it... like old ratty clothes. Last night I even had "The Nightmare" -- the one I've had dozens of times, but thought I'd finally banished from my subconscious.

I'd say that I want to re-center my mind to somewhere more healthy and wholesome... but I'm not sure it would be the truth.

hello again.

Has it been two weeks since I last posted here?

I guess so. It seems that I've gotten out of some new habits and into some old ones... not all the way, but a bit. Not drinking or smoking or the rest, but mostly into a state of mind. My sense of humor has taken on a caustic tone that I never thought would resurface.... my sexual ruminations have become more deviant... and I'm overcome by an overall sense of restlessness.

If I can't shake it, I guess I'll just wait it out. I don't really like who I used to be, but I do miss what it was like to feel alive... and I wonder if I'll ever feel that way as the "normal" person I'm striving to be.