better living through chemistry

I have no motivation or inspiration to "blog" tonight, but I'm doing so to keep in practice.

There's nothing new with me; I've been working a lot, reading a little, and not much else... my mental state has been a bit volatile; it seems to happen around this time of year for some reason. I'm functional and sane for the most part, but when I get stuck up in my head for too long, sometimes my thoughts start to get a little...

...off.

It's not as bad as last year, and I think a lot of it can be attributable to a little pill I take daily -- one that may have saved my life. As screwy as I am and as bad as I feel sometimes, it's nothing close to the way I was then. Simply being conscious was painful, and my brain was scrambled so badly that formulating and spitting out a complete sentence sometimes required a herculean effort. I really don't know what caused it. I've never really fit neatly into one category of mental disorder, if any at all. All I know is that a few weeks after taking this little white pill, things, relatively speaking, have been going great. I have no life, I have a lot to atone for, but I'm young yet, and I think if I can keep my head screwed on just a little bit, then maybe I'll get to do some neat things over the next 50, 75, years on this mortal coil.

losing ground

I've been fucking up enough at work that I've had serious fears of getting fired. It seems my mind has sunk into one of those states... and I just can't shake it. I'm bitter, defensive, and passive aggressive. I'm impatient, and I'm having trouble concentrating. I'm making careless mistakes. I've had to restrain myself from making flippant comebacks at the management. I rarely talk to anyone at work or elsewhere because my head always seems to be pointed down at the ground because I'm ashamed of who they'd see. I feel like I let them down because I haven't turned out to be as good at this job as they thought I could be. I feel like the whole world's over because if I can't do well at a job like this, how could I ever do anything better?

Will I always be such an emotional and mental wreck? Will I ever be close to normal? What can I do?

milestones

So I'm writing at the only time I seem to be motivated to -- that is, when I should be doing something else.

I've had a few kind-of milestones recently -- I've now been sober for 18 months, smoke-free for 6 months, and on Thursday I'll have been posting on this blog for 6 months. It all actually seems like it's been longer -- time doesn't always fly, I guess.

I just noticed that haloscan has erased all of my old comments, and I'm a little upset. I thought they were as much a part of this blog as any of my posts were... maybe I or no one else would've ever read them, but I've thought of this as kind of my digital legacy to the world... all the things I couldn't say out loud and all the skeletons I could never claim ownership to...

Anyways, I guess I'll have to look into blogger's commenting feature.

I've been holding back a little recently on this blog because of a nagging fear that someone, someday will determine my identity from reading this or that one day I'll decide to share this with someone I know. It's hard enough to even anonymously write down what a screwed up weirdo I feel that I am...

Oh well... my brain's a screwy place. And here's where it'll be, I guess... next time I have something better to do.