still staring down the sun
I came close -- very close -- to letting someone who knows my name and my face become aware of this blog's existence.
She was a girlfriend or she was a friend. I never figured it out and she would never clarify. I used to tell her things I've told no one else and in a lot of ways my letters to her were the precursor to this blog. About once a year we swap e-mails, and last weekend was this year's swap. All fine and well until I'm at my mother's house the other day and I unearthed a picture of her.
I stared at it for a minute or so... and then I wanted to jam my eyeballs out with a lead pencil. The feeling came back like blood rushing from a broken scab... the searing pain of unrequited love.
Whenever I looked into her eyes I had that feeling that I've heard about -- "this is the one!"
Except she wasn't. And I've never found that feeling elsewhere.
5 Comments:
hey, I stumbled across your blog looking for lyrics to NIN. Some of your earlier posts sound just like what i feel i am going through now. I have no motivation, i have friends but i don't seem they care,im always down, and i don't want to keep going on like this. I was just wondering if you got any better and how long it took?
Dear anonymous:
I am getting better... I was actually reading some of my older posts the other day and it struck me that I have come a long way in many ways. I'm 28 and I'm just now in the process of untangling all the mess of the first 25 years of my life. I felt my situation pretty much hopeless but I am making progress. If you're a NIN fan, you probably know that Mr. Reznor has made his way somewhat out of his particular dark place as well.
Anyway, it takes years and it's taken considerable professional help. I had to honestly face up and get treatment for substance abuse and psychiatric issues. Even then it took almost a year to feel any better.
If you have any further questions feel free to ask. I hope things begin to get better for you.
Hey, it was nice hearing from you. I was beginning to think that nobody read these things anymore
On unrequited love. I feel your pain. The girl who I just knew would be with me one day is now with another and she is having her third child. She wants to stay friends and I tried that for years. I have to cut all ties for my own good. It hurts too much. My only advice to you having been through years of hoping for things to come around is cut off all corespondance with her and start moving on with yourself. Unrequited love is poison to the soul.
Thanks, anonymous.
We seem to be in the same situation. She is married, 2 kids, yet we still communicate via e-mail often.
A lot of the time I think that you're right... that I am just screwing myself by not just severing everything and putting it all away. Still, for now, I haven't done that.
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