you decide

All the usual still applies -- working too much, slipping into a mental state that worries me, etc...

I don't know whether to give up on this thing or not. I don't know what to say. I think I've gotten better over the past year or so at mentally confronting things that are bothering me, and I think I've become more honest with myself, so I don't feel as if I need to write here as much for catharsis. That and I feel like I'm repeating myself every two weeks...

But I guess I should be, since it seems like I've been living the same day over and over again, save for slipping futher behind in my schoolwork and into the passive-aggressive defensive crouch I use whenever I'm disgusted with myself and annoyed by everyone else...

And there's no relief anymore... the alcohol, the music, the porn...

they made this feeling go away, at least for a little while. They gave me a place to hide.

The election:

I'm still one of the great undecided. I'm going to be a little shocked and dismayed no matter who wins. I'm leaning toward pulling the lever for "none of the above."

Far from being a virtuous act or a civic duty, I've tended to see voting as an act of selfishness or hubris -- selfishness, if one votes in self-interest; hubris, if one presumes to know better than one's fellows what's best for society.

Maybe I'm looking at it wrong?

what now?

Well, it's been two weeks, and I suppose it's time to check in.

Nothing's new. I've just been on cruise control -- work, eat, schoolwork, sleep. I don't think I've done any kind of socializing outside of work since then -- which is a long time, even for me, but I'm not bothered by it much.

I've been feeling pretty good, but I'm really bored with my life right now. I've been finding myself just biding my time until the next "event" -- a vacation, graduation, move, whatever -- comes along. That's really no way to live, but I'm unsure of what I can do. Working 60 or so hours a week and going to school half-time doesn't leave much time for other pursuits, but dammit, there has to be something.

I've only got one life to live, and I want to make the most of it...

but how do I make the most of it?