my empire of dirt

metamorphosis

2010-05-04T00:04:00.004-04:00

I've been feeling the time has finally come to be the person whom I've wanted to be.

p.s. -- thanks so much to anyone who's stopped by here over the years and especially to those couple of you who've commented. it's amazing and comforting to know there are people who can relate to most all of this on some deeper level. i've never met anyone who's felt really close to how i feel before and just maybe i'm not completely alone.

So long, "Zeroes"...

2009-12-31T23:04:00.001-05:00

You broke my heart.

at the heart of it all

2009-04-26T22:44:00.003-04:00

Just thought I'd say hello to an old friend. I've been sad again, and I know that it will listen.

Sad as it is, the fundamental truth remains beneath everything else. For all the gleaming facades I build up over it, in my heart of hearts I believe: in the end, everything dies and none of us matter.

wish you were here

2009-01-13T22:25:00.003-05:00

To check in with everyone and no one:

I'm still here, and probably a lot has happened. I'm living with a woman and things are pretty OK. I'm still bored and out of touch with the masses more often than I'd like, but my life is largely free of misery and that is more than I used to dare to dream to hope for.

gentle indifference

2008-08-05T22:34:00.004-04:00

It seems a few people do stop by here from time to time so I suppose I shall update.

In a month I'll have my first roommate since my disastrous one semester at college. And it's a she -- my girlfriend of the past year.

She's plenty nice, and I'm fond of her. She certainly isn't what I dreamed a dreamgirl would be, but we're going to do this and see how it goes.

I'm still sober. My Dad isn't anymore. Neither is my ex-therapist.

I'm more or less sane.

Am I happy?

Not particularly so. I still find it hard to really love this world that is godless and pointless and so often cruel. But still, I do usually find myself caring about people and things. It might even be a beautiful world if it all meant something.

no, i guess it's reality...

2008-05-10T17:03:00.003-04:00

I woke up Thursday to find a wound that won't heal for the rest of my days.

"I follow cheerfully; and, did I not, wicked and wretched, I must follow still. Whoever yields properly to Fate, is deemed wise among men,
and knows the laws of heaven."

Euripides, Frag. 965

mired in mediocrity

2007-07-16T23:45:00.001-04:00

They've been some crazy, crazy months. Endings, resumptions, pushing new boundaries.

But I'm not here to talk about that. I've just been feeling kind of down the past few days and I have no one to tell that to at the moment. This blog's still a friend that I know will listen.

My self-esteem has been built up in quite a few ways over the past 3 months or so but it's taken a beating over the past few days. It seems like nothing really comes easy to me in love, work, school, games, or anything else. I don't seem to have the natural talent to skate by in any facet and I don't have the discipline or direction to work hard at anything.

Back to the beginning?

2007-05-08T21:03:00.000-04:00

Once again, life is starting to get interesting...

Change is coming, one way or the other.

the things i cannot change

2007-01-16T21:55:00.000-05:00

I haven't been to an AA meeting in a couple years now, but today is one of those days where the phrase "I need a meeting!" keeps running through my head.

Serenity has been so ever elusive these past few weeks... the world I want to live in just isn't the one that's unfolding before my eyes.

... to be what i might have been

2006-12-22T23:02:00.000-05:00

I'm still growing. It's wonderful. You're never too old to grow.

still staring down the sun

2006-10-12T00:17:00.000-04:00

I came close -- very close -- to letting someone who knows my name and my face become aware of this blog's existence.

She was a girlfriend or she was a friend. I never figured it out and she would never clarify. I used to tell her things I've told no one else and in a lot of ways my letters to her were the precursor to this blog. About once a year we swap e-mails, and last weekend was this year's swap. All fine and well until I'm at my mother's house the other day and I unearthed a picture of her.

I stared at it for a minute or so... and then I wanted to jam my eyeballs out with a lead pencil. The feeling came back like blood rushing from a broken scab... the searing pain of unrequited love.

Whenever I looked into her eyes I had that feeling that I've heard about -- "this is the one!"

Except she wasn't. And I've never found that feeling elsewhere.

duck season

2006-08-21T22:21:00.000-04:00

I'm why your eyes and ears are about to be bombarded with ads.

I'm that swing voter guy.

I vote for Republicans.

I vote for Democrats.

Sometimes, I even vote for Daffy Duck.

Sometimes, I don't even know who I'm voting for until I close my eyes in that booth and stare into my soul.

I did just that two years ago. And I saw that I couldn't vote for Bush again. Not after the disingenuous way that war was sold.

And I couldn't bring myeslf to vote for Kerry, either. He, in my eyes, like so many other Democrats, threw his support behind the war in large part out of political expediency.

That did not sit well with me.

I voted for Daffy.

And I just might vote for him again this fall.

So, to all of you non-water fowl candidates:

"I'm not a Republican and I'm against Bush" is not strong enough of an argument to win my vote.

If you're going to tell me you're going to "bring the troops home," you'd better damn well follow that up with an elucidation of what you expect the repercussions to be for the people of Iraq, the stability of the middle east, and our global reputation.

Tell me why you're not working on anything substantive to fight global warming. Do you not care, or do you think you're a better scientist than scientists?

If you're against raising taxes, tell me exactly why you're for passing the national debt onto me -- with interest. And if you say you're against that as well, tell me specifically what spending programs you are going to cut.

And if you can't do that, start quacking.

Or you just might be a lame duck.

father to the man

2006-06-28T19:18:00.000-04:00

Father broke down finally and I had to check him into rehab. Being the grown up sucks.

Sometimes it's hard to believe that I used to really care about some things, that some things really made me happy. You used to make me happy, SJ. I so often wonder, if I were still to know you, would I even be happy then?

a man's search for meaning

2006-05-29T18:15:00.000-04:00

Due to the fact that I never could get my old template to look right with Firefox and because it feels like time for a change, I've switched over to a more conventional template. Things here are going along as they have been; staying with the same job, finishing up my degree, still with my girlfriend.

The outcome of my sessions with my therapist has been a disappointment. I talk about things that I never thought I'd be able to talk about, but other than the liberation of getting that off my chest nothing else seems to come of it. I really have no direction, still. It seems the work required to get any of the things I'd like to have is too high of a price to pay for what they are.

And so once again, I don't know what to do.

more of the same

2006-05-15T22:46:00.000-04:00

I guess I've acquired another addiction for my collection.
I have nothing new to say.
I feel as hollow as ever.

a god i've never seen

2006-04-11T19:51:00.000-04:00

I feel awful, absolutely awful.

Sometimes all I have the strength to do is pray.

And so that's what I'll do.

everything's blue

2006-04-04T22:12:00.000-04:00

Feeling blue. I don't like time changes. Now I get up in the dark, and the day just seems to start out gloomily.

Saw the therapist. He seems new to the profession. Words flow uneasily between the two of us. I realize that about all I have to say are complaints.

I'm down most of the time.
I'm really, really miserable pretty often.
I'm anxious a lot.
I don't have any friends.
I'm bored often.
I'm always sleepy.
Everything seems meaningless.

Every once in a while I feel just fine and things seem to be going good. It never lasts long.

Am I so psychologically f---ed up because I'm depressed all the time, or am I depressed all the time because I'm so psychologically f---ed up?

all the spoils of a wasted life

2006-03-26T21:03:00.000-05:00

Feeling sad for whatever reason. It just seems that wherever I look forward all I see are dead ends. It feels like I already killed a chance at a normal life and the chances of a happy or fulfilling one are seeming remote.

I have an appointment with a psychotherapist next week. Hopefully maybe that will be the start of something good. Right now I'm just rudderless and directionless.

I used to be happy sometimes. What the hell happened?

losing the plot

2006-02-21T22:43:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'll just sit here and write until the meds kick in, like I did back in the good old days. I've been reading some of my old posts just a few minutes ago and its good to have something down that can be bring me back to where I was. It's a strange feeling... it really does feel like it was written by someone else.

Anyway, I thought I'd write a bit down here so some future me will sit down and read this and remember who he was. Hopefully he'll be in a better place than I am now. I don't envy the person I've just been reading about -- he was very alone. I think I wrote in this blog a lot more back then because at the time it was my only friend. My world's grown since then -- even if it's just to include one other person. It's been a big step. But something about it still does not feel right. Not a whole lot does, really. Not a whole lot ever has.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not sure that I'm supposed to be doing anything.

Does anyone else ever feel this way? This awful feeling that you were shoved onto the stage at the world's greatest play, but never given a script?

changes in latitudes

2006-02-17T19:25:00.000-05:00

What's there to say? I haven't sought out help of any kind since my last post. Things aren't getting worse, so I've just been keeping on. I'm unsure of what I should do and what I'll have to do about this. I'm afraid that dealing with it all might end my current relationship... and the emotional turmoil that ending relationships seem to bring about isn't something I look forward to.

Anyway, I'm going on a nice tropical vacation with the girlfriend next week -- hopefully some sunshine and palm trees will put some perspective on things.

how can i go home?

2006-01-18T22:21:00.000-05:00

Once again it seems again as if things are spinning out of control and I'm not sure what to do about them. I guess I could do what I normally do, wait out the storm and see if things patch up by themselves and my head gets a little clearer. But then there's part of me that wants to do something a little more drastic -- if calling a therapist can be seen as drastic. Something's gotta change. I don't think I'm just going to snap out of this like I have in the past. I hate to think my willpower has gotten this weak. I hate to think who I am right now is just who I always will be deep down inside.

endings and beginnings

2006-01-01T00:21:00.000-05:00

Another page turns. But is it a new chapter, or just a new paragraph?

January seems to be my time of renewal... maybe I can see about stopping this. But I'm afraid of what I could destroy by doing so.

A confession

2005-12-30T22:06:00.000-05:00

I am a sex addict.

down to just one thing

2005-12-22T21:14:00.000-05:00

It's an addiction, for sure. But now I don't know what to do about it.

Oh, I know what I "should" do -- attend meetings of this group or that, or talk to a therapist, who undoubtedly will refer me to meetings of this group or that. I've been to a couple hundred twelve-step meetings, and there were too many things that I just didn't like about them. But I'm afraid that I may end up with no choice but to crawl to a therapist.

two, for now

2005-10-26T20:38:00.000-04:00

I leave for a month and what do I get?

I'm now #2 out of 27,400 on a google search for "my empire of dirt." Not that that really means anyone is reading this, but it's pretty damn cool anyway.

Something's not right in my relationship. I'm not sure what it is. Up until a week ago I felt a little bit less alone in the world since having been with her. Now I feel alone again. I don't know why. Maybe I can sense that it's ending. Or maybe I can sense that it's just not going to last, so I'm withdrawing. Or maybe I'm just crawling back into my shell for some other reason.

Part of it, I think, maybe, is my parents. After 15 years of angry discord, it's pretty much off. He's moved out. He blames her for (possibly) cheating and being unloving; she blames him for drinking. Both are probably right. It's a bit of a relief that it's over. They probably should have done it long, long ago. But it does remind me of the frailty of relationships and how most of them don't last. And after seeing my Dad's reaction recently, it reminds me that breaking up...

hurts.

What else? I've managed to get my work hours cut so I've been taking more classes. I'm beginning to see light at the end of that tunnel.

Well, maybe it won't be so long until next time... who knows whether this blog will be my main confidant again by then.

muffled dissonance

2005-09-20T21:20:00.000-04:00

I haven't disappeared. I've just been busy. Doing some things I should be doing... and some things I probably shouldn't be. I've been changing recently. I can feel it. I wonder all the time whether it's for better or worse.

I'm acting more how I feel rather than how I think I should be. This might lead me into a low place... but if I'm to come back again, I'll come back more honestly.

at a loss for words

2005-09-03T19:53:00.000-04:00

Over a month! I think about posting here almost every day, but I always get sidetracked... or maybe I'm afraid of the thoughts that might come out should I start writing. Things have happened... maybe I'll get to relating them soon.

going with the flow

2005-08-02T21:03:00.000-04:00

This will probably just be a "check-in" post because free time is at a premium right now.

Well, my relationship with the now S.O. is pretty much established now. Part of me still has reservations about the whole thing. I kind of wish it hadn't become exclusive so early but I'm having fun and I can feel myself growing. I know now that I can have at least some type of a fairly healthy relationship with a fairly level-headed adult, and it's good to know that I can be attractive to such a person. I'm also relieved to find that I don't feel totally over my head in all of this. So I guess I'm just going to let things continue and let them end up where they may. Hopefully if the time comes where I think I should end it I'll have the courage to do so.

Other than that... my mood has been pretty good. I feel fairly normal all around a good deal of the time. Considering where I've been, that's pretty amazing.

hesitation

2005-07-18T18:15:00.000-04:00

Well, I guess I have a girlfriend.

We've been going on a couple dates a week and talking on the phone daily. I didn't necessarily want to push it into an exclusive dating relationship, but that's what she seems to want and I haven't argued against the idea. She's nice, she's fun to be around, she likes me a lot, she treats me very well, she's fairly cultured, educated, cooks well (and likes to do it), and does other things well (and likes to do that...)

It's fun to have a girlfriend, and it's nice to be dating again after so long... but I'm not really getting the feeling that she's "the one." Still, I don't really want to end what we have at this point. So I'm unsure whether I should tell her everything I feel right now. She also wants us to sleep together. We've done everything but that, but for some reason I don't think I'd feel right doing it. I guess it's because I don't see the relationship as being a permanent thing. So I guess what it comes down to is I'm unsure of what of this to tell her. I'd still like to continue dating; and I guess this could become a very long term thing... but something inside of me is telling me to hold back.

it's been a long time

2005-07-04T13:11:00.000-04:00

Now it's really been too long since I've written here... Well, it's been an interesting couple of weeks -- at least interesting for the drudgery that is my life. I've been a bit afraid to post any of it here because it's the kind of thing that embarasses me and because putting it down might cause me to have to think some things through.

Well, I went on a date -- the first in about 6 years. We met over an internet dating site. It went OK, I guess. She is into me. I am not so sure it works both ways. She's not as cute as I hoped she would be after seeing her pictures... it sounds mean to say this, but I probably never would have talked to her had I had better quality photos.

Anyway, she's calling all the time now and seemingly wants to push things further. I'm not so turned off by this person that I want to run away, but I'm not so sure I shouldn't, either. So I've been thinking things through, and I guess what I'm going to try to do is to be as open as I can about what I am thinking and what I want and don't want, and ask the same of her. Then, we can work from there.

My job is driving me crazy. I hope I earn enough seniority soon to start refusing some overtime... I really can't handle these long days and weeks for much longer.

There's more, of course, but that will do for now. It won't be as long until next time...

indecision

2005-06-15T20:42:00.000-04:00

This started as a response to Sam, but I think it's become a post in its own right:

Sam,

Thanks for your concern and words of wisdom. When I stop and think about it, neither of these choices seem like great ones. But I may end up doing both anyway.

I think both cases come down to fear of confrontation -- or maybe abandonment. I'm afraid to confront my doctor with, "Hey, I think what you've been doing isn't working. I know this isn't by the book, but would you try this?"

I'm now afraid to confront my friend with "I'm going to renege on my agreement to get an apartment with you." This person is currently charged with assaulting his girlfriend (who would be my other roommate, and is way too young for my friend.) He was very intoxicated at the time. I now see that he is an addict and alcoholic. He says he has been sober since the incident (a couple months ago), and after I questioned him, he said he was "staying sober for myself, and nobody else." I'm not sure that I believe him, but his girlfriend has made it clear that she won't tolerate him drinking or using either.

Anyway, I don't think anything he could do would make me use or drink. Still, I don't think living in an episode of Jerry Springer would be great for me either.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I told him I'd have my completed apartment application ready today or tomorrow.

it's gone

2005-06-13T21:00:00.000-04:00

That really pisses me off. I just typed up several paragraphs and then my computer shut down. Now the post is gone...

The gist of what I wrote was that my living situation may be changing again. I have agreed to get an apartment with an old friend and his girlfriend. This is good and bad. Bad in that he is probably not the greatest influence upon me, but good in that I won't become trapped in my head as much. I really need to expand my horizons, and any foothold I can get onto the outside world helps. Just being able to connect with other people here and there increases my ability to connect with everyone.

I saw my shrink. I don't think that she really gets what's wrong with me. She is content to stay with my current med regimen. While it's true that I'm not falling apart all the time like I used to, I'm still not stable at all. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this, but I am planning on ordering one of my meds off of the internet to increase the dosage to see what happens.

OK, I had more I wanted to say but it's time to get ready for bed. Shouldn't be as long until next time...

hello walls, redux

2005-05-27T18:02:00.000-04:00

I just looked and realized that this is the longest I've gone without blogging since I started this thing, so I figured maybe I should write.

The concert was awesome, not just for the show, but mostly for everything surrounding it. I went with my best friend from my late teens/early twenties. We've become quite distant, even on the few occasions where we've hung out over the past couple of years, but this time it was just like old times. Our senses of humor align almost perfectly, and I had a blast. I also talked a bit to the people around me in line and in the pit before the show started, and it was nice to be just another face in the crowd somewhere I felt like I belonged.

I can't stop eating. I don't know if it's a new nervous habit, addiction, or something biological but I've been eating constantly, especially sugar. I eat until I feel sick and then eat some more.

I still feel incredibly alone all the time. I wish I knew how to make friends. When I was younger, they just happened. Now, 99% of the people I work with are older than me, most of them by a good deal. I don't go to bars. So what can I do? I'd love to do something over the holiday weekend, but I have no one to do anything with.

Guess I'll enjoy the view of the walls -- a new set, that is.

now i just stare into the sun

2005-05-08T20:48:00.000-04:00

A few things to vent...

I just found out that my third-best high school friend did not invite me to his wedding. I was a bit surprised, and a bit surprised to find myself hurt by it. He was the one I looked up to the most, and was maybe the most supportive of me when I got really down. Maybe I've never even had a "real" friend. Maybe I don't know what one is. All I know is they all seem to go away and no one ever shows up to take their place.

My moods and thoughts have taken a turn for the worse the past week or so. I've come back to places I've forgotten I've been to and never thought I'd return to. It's scary stuff, sometimes.

I just feel like a total fuck-up. Too much of a fuck-up for a real job, too much of a fuck-up to have friends, too much of a fuck-up for a real relationship... I can't even blame it all on the choices I've made anymore. I think I'm just a fuck-up through and through. And now that I'm old and getting older it just looks that much more pathetic.

Dammit, sometimes I've had my head screwed on tight. But it always comes undone. No reason. It just does. And I guess I'll never have a totally normal life. But can't I have some kind of life? Can't I matter at all?

something different

2005-04-24T12:52:00.000-04:00

You'd have thought I told them I was going to join a cult, or at least the circus.

I rented out a room, and my parents haven't taken it well. It's nice to know that people care about you, but... the trauma of their reaction has been worse than the anxiety of living out on my own.

He says people shouldn't live alone. Maybe he's right. Numerous times have I tried to arrange to live with friends, but the plans have never fallen through. Now my friends are about all gone. So it's either take a chance with this or a strange roommate. I've chosen to try this. Maybe one day I'll make some new friends and find some people to live with. Or maybe I'll want to move back "home." I just want to give this a chance.

I almost get the sense that they're more worried for themselves than for me now that I'm leaving. It's that much harder to do now that I feel as if I'm knifing them in the back in some way. And that they're not supporting me in doing this.

I'm not running away to never look back. I'd love to get together and hang out and watch a movie, or go out to play golf, or whatever on a frequent basis. I don't want to abandon my parents. I just want a relationship as adults. Is that too much for a 27 year old to ask for?

every day is exactly the same

2005-04-17T19:57:00.000-04:00

Well, I was doing good there for a while. Getting my teeth yanked went fine, I was sticking to a diet and nearly back to my smoking weight. I was making calls about an apartment, a therapist...

And now I've reverted back to where I was... hiding and eating when I'm not working or sleeping. Fear is winning at the moment. Well, I'll try to find the motivation and courage somewhere.

can't go home again

2005-04-05T21:33:00.000-04:00

I've been doing good and bad recently. Bad in that my mood swings have amplified lately, but good in that in some ways I feel stronger than ever. I've found out that I can handle a cross-country flight without problems (and that alcohol probably intensified my anxiety, rather than helped), that I can spend a week or more thousands of miles away from here and enjoy it, and that I am ready to grow away from this place. I'm tired of it. I really don't see a future for me here other than this dull existence I have. I want to be somewhere where I don't feel I have to act all the time to stay within others' preconceived notions of me. I want to be free to act how I feel to maybe figure out who I am. I know that sounds like a bunch of cliched bullshit, and to a degree it probably is... but as someone who's never really lived away from home, I really think I've had some kind of developmental stunting from that on top of all the other crap that's been my life. Hopefully I'll find the courage and a way to do this soon...

the line begins to blur

2005-03-20T20:58:00.000-05:00

I am a mess, an absolute fucking mess. I can't stop eating. It's like I've totally transferred my smoking habit to this. And the other addiction... I'm pushing the envelope, I'm tearing down a firewall I built up.

Sometimes I just wish I'd just fall completely over one side or the other. This is a painful balancing act.

I guess I'll just keep praying and try to get up the nerve to go to a psychologist and say, "help." I don't know what else to do.

hysterical and useless

2005-03-06T20:17:00.000-05:00

I hate to start writing this late, as I have to take my meds shortly, and they cause me to go brain-dead shortly after consuming them. But, here it goes...

I've been on edge recently. I nearly cussed out my supervisor the other day. I really have to watch myself sometimes... especially when I'm in one of these quasi-manic states.

I still hate my job.

I am seeing my shrink this week as opposed to last. I rescheduled so I wouldn't have to tell my work exactly why I need off.

My first vacation is coming up. It will be both my first airplane trip alone and the farthest away I've ever gone from home. It will be interesting to see if I have a total panic attack. I haven't flown sober in a long, long, time.

My favorite band (who is the inspiration for the title and artwork on this blog) is touring again. I'm going.

I don't know if this is a Pavlovian response or what, but I've just taken my pills and already my head is getting fuzzy.

I've really isolated myself mentally over the past week or so. Everyone is the enemy. Asshole supervisors don't help.

I've been spending a lot of time alone in my head looking at the world, seeing nothing to love and nothing to care about. I've been looking at myself and seeing something inadequate as a vehicle to experience the things that make me feel alive a little -- power, sex, romance, friendship, achievement, recognition...

Alright, now I really am fading away. Time for prayer and for sleep.

optimistic

2005-02-21T20:30:00.000-05:00

So much I'd like to say... and I even have some time to say it, as I don't have to go into work until late tomorrow morning.

I feel silly sometimes, coming here, always writing about how miserable I am... but I AM miserable...

And I hope the day comes when that's not the case. But I'm not holding my breath.

Which brings me to something I came across. This is from "Ask Marilyn" in yesterday's Parade Magazine:

Q: Which do you think would have a more positive effect on the world: a cure for cancer or for mental illness?

A: Readers may be taken aback to learn that the human suffering and cost of mental illness outweigh even the misery of cancer. According to the World Health Organization, mental and behavioral disorders are present in a varying 10% of the adult population at any point in time. Mental and neurological disorders account for 13% of total worldwide disability. In addition to the expense for health and social services, the loss to society -- including the impact on families, crime and unemployment -- is incalculable.

Despite this, I've tried to find a good charity for mental health research, and I really couldn't find any. There are a couple advocacy groups, but that's about it.

Anyway, the incident I wrote about in my last post hasn't really resolved itself. Or I should say it has resolved itself by not resolving itself. I won't go into the details. I fessed up to someone in the bureaucracy, and it stopped there. I didn't bother to follow it up.

Which brings me to...

I hate my job. HATE it. HATE IT. It is boring, yet extremely stressful and requires prolonged intense concentration and effort. The work environment is terrible. The management is demeaning. I'm not even very good at it, so I feel like shit for that all day too. I just can't handle it. And it goes on for 55 hours a week on a short week. Yet when I look at all the benefits and pay, there is nothing in this area that I could switch to that would get me even two thirds of what I have now. So on I go through the grind.

I was thinking earlier... if I quit in September and went back to school full time, I could graduate in May. I'd have the money to do it, too. If I knew it would get me something half decent, I'd do it. But there's no guarantee of that. And for various reasons, it's difficult to get rehired at the company I'm at, and it's the only one of its kind in the area I'm in. So if I did that, I'd kind of be stepping off into the abyss.

But is it really worse than where I'm at?

I'm not sure.

Deep down, I think I'm a crusader... someone who'd like to throw himself at a cause... but I don't have one. I think if I were religious, I'd like to be involved in clergy. A monk, maybe. But I don't believe in anything. I can't join the military; they don't take us manic-depressive types. I'm not bright enough to be a philosopher or theoretical physicist... and as painful as it is to say, I'm not sure I care enough to do charity work in a third world country. Or at least not enough to give up what comforts that I have.

So on I trod, taking the long, round-a-bout shuffle off this mortal coil.

Ah, shit.

Well, I see my shrink next week. Maybe she'll find the magic pill. Maybe I'll ask her about getting me into some form of talk-therapy. Maybe that will help me figure something out.

And I guess I'll keep praying, although it doesn't seem to have gotten me anywhere. Keeps me from going off the edge completely, maybe, but sometimes I think I'd rather just go.

OK, I'm not going to end on a dour note this time.

Tomorrow just might be a better day.

i did it again

2005-02-07T20:01:00.000-05:00

I did it again.

I banged up the work truck.

I said nothing.

I think it's just a minor (maybe unnoticeable) dent, but I couldn't get a good look at it because it was dark.

If it were definitely noticeable, I would have said something. But I didn't say anything this time because I'm on thin ice as it is (for another incident, which I did report.)

I guess I'll see how it looks tomorrow. If it's obvious, I'll tell them what's up. If not, I guess I'll just let it be.

I want to do the right thing... maybe. But the voice in my head still says, "and possibly screw all you have away for... what?"

self portrait

2005-02-02T20:47:00.000-05:00

In the back of my mind for hours I think of things to bitch about in this blog, but once I have a blank screen in front of me, my mind freezes up.

I've been in a little bit of strange place lately; but a familiar strange place. A little manic, maybe, a little sad, a little angry, a little restless.

Bored.

I'm bored with my job, bored with my friends, bored with this town, bored with being single...

... but I'm afraid to change any of it. What if I fail? What if I can't do anything else? What if I can't make other friends? What if I'm scared and friendless and cower alone in an apartment? What if no one I'll ever want will ever want me?

So I do nothing. I work grunt jobs. My best friends are the same ones I had 15 years ago with whom I don't have much in common anymore, with whom I can trust with, confide in, or enjoy with little. I haven't so much as held hands with a girl in over 5 years. And I do mean girl, I haven't dated a girl over 18.

So what do you have? A 26 year old who lives with his parents, works a dead-end job, is like an intimidated pubescent around women, and whose socializing amounts to giggling on the phone with with an old high school buddy who's smoking weed and making the same racial jokes that I no longer find funny.

Will someone be my friend? Will someone hold my hand? Will someone get me the hell out of here?

avoidance

2005-01-17T19:38:00.000-05:00

Haven't posted anything for a while, so I guess I'll put up something. I miraculously managed to get a two day weekend... and I haven't left the house since Saturday night. For a while, it was great. I did whatever I felt like doing and enjoyed the rest and the quiet. Then, I started going insane again. An emotional wreck. It's hard to believe I lived for almost two years like this. I guess maybe the alcohol got me through until it failed me as well.

Well, I have nothing to say. I'm just a bundle of wordless fears right now. I had a couple of blog posts written out in my head last week, but they've either slipped away from my memory or I've grown too afraid to post them.

at the heart of it all

2005-01-01T22:51:00.000-05:00

what i want is to be known and to be loved, and while i can be one or the other, i fear i can never, ever be both, and this is the hell i'm burning in.

everything i do feels wrong

2004-12-19T19:28:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm on a limited time frame -- I don't like to write this way, but if I don't do it now, God only knows when I'll get a chance to... so I've turned out the lights, turned down the brightness level, and now I'll try to cut open a vein.

I visited my shrink recently, and she cranked up one of my medications in an attempt to ward off a depression that's been sinking into me over the past few months. As always, the effects of tweaking my medications are unpredictable. It's a bit like flying blind and mashing the switches and knobs and levers and hoping it somehow rights itself. Usually, it doesn't.

I feel like I've lost about 10 IQ points, and I've become a bit more open but not much less introverted. The effect has been that a lot of the temper tantrums that usually take place between my ears have started to come out of my mouth.

Some of my depression has been lifted -- the "i don't care about anything, i don't want to do anything" mindset has subsided a little -- but I'm growing darker still by the day.

I feel like a slave to synapses; I'm God's little chemistry set. I have control of what I do, but no control over what I feel. Would that the two ever fall into one...

self-centered fear

2004-11-27T20:07:00.000-05:00

So I was beyond tired this morning. At work before dawn, I was injecting myself with as much caffeine as I could get my hands on in an attempt to shake off a grogginess induced by weeks of sleep deprivation and overwork. I was also particularly irritated at the time; the boss had loaded me up with enough work to keep me hurrying until well after dark.

Later that morning, still incredibly irritated and groggy, I swipe a yard lamp with my work truck. The lamp's not a pretty thing; it's maybe $20 brand new, and it's far from brand new. It probably couldn't have been given away even before I hit it. Still groggy, and more irritated still, I hop out of the truck and check the thing out. It appears that it may be broken -- still functional, but something about it looks wrong, as if a part was maybe snapped off. I glance around briefly for something that looks like it could be a piece. Not finding it, I set it upright, hop back into the truck, and drive off.

As I drive the next couple of blocks down the road, it starts to sink in what I just did.

I start looking at the yards I pass until I spot one with the same type of yard lamp. I look at it... and sure enough, it has a piece the one I hit didn't.

Now I'm starting to panic. What I just did (driving off after hitting it) is probably enough to get me fired or arrested or both. But is it enough if I did no damage? But now I'm starting to think I did damage it. Should I go see if someone is home to tell them? In which case, I'll have to tell work as well -- even if I come to find it was already broken. Also in that case, my day is fucked, work will think I'm incompetent, and -- worst of all -- I'd have to admit that I drove off before driving back to admit to it. I could tell them what was partly the truth -- that I couldn't find any evidence that I had damaged it just then, until I spotted a similar item -- but still, I was worried that even that would be enough to get me arrested/fired.

Head spinning, not knowing what else to do, I drive past the lawn in question. Sure enough, it's missing a piece. I try to nonchalantly scan the yard for the piece (maybe I'd try to fix it?). I see nothing, but it could be hiding anywhere in the grass. I drive off.

I decide to do nothing. My head starts reeling further. My stomach turns sour. My mood darkens even even more. Obviously, I'm far from a great person, but this is the first time in a long time -- since I've been sober, almost -- that I can remember doing anything that is indisputably against my morals/society's morals. Basically, I stole something because I didn't want to face the consequences of my mildly negligent driving ( this was actually minor accident number 3 since I started working for this company; the others I 'fessed up to, but in retrospect I see that I had to).

About a half hour later, I decide to go back and tell the truth. Then I clam up again... I see it all unfold in my head... a whole lot of drama, and for what? Should I totally screw everything I have up just for this? No, I decide, and I leave the area for the next jobsite.

.... This has been gnawing at me hard all day long. Somewhere along the line I decided to donate the money I made today to charity (about $200) for utilitarian ethical and karmic reasons. I did so earlier online.

Utilitarianism be damned, I feel like shit. I am a liar and a coward and a thief.

from the ashes

2004-11-12T21:32:00.000-05:00

Growing up is strange.

Yeah, I'm 26, and I'm still growing up. Sometimes I notice changes and maturation in my thinking and personality, changes that I noticed in my peers -- at 17, 20, 22 or whatever -- that I never thought could happen to me. Things like openly taking full responsibility for a mistake or misdeed. Like letting someone else "win" when they're right -- and sometimes when they're wrong -- and not secretly fuming inside about it. Like sacrificing for others without a sense of resentment or smugness. Like not feeling an overwhelming sense of intimidation or inferiority when confronted or by someone of larger size or superior social status. Like not being as intimidated by beautiful women... Like feeling some sense of duty to help protect the vulnerable... Like looking people in the eye when I'm speaking to them... like looking myself in the mirror and contemplating all of who I am and who I've been... like not just admitting my own mortality, but having a deep sense of it in my bones.

It's not that I do or feel these things all the time or even most of the time. I'm still an emotional infant, but I am growing.

And I'm not sure if it stems from wisdom or naivete, but sometimes I believe that I can still grow to be whatever it is that I want to be.

a detuned radio

2004-11-04T20:14:00.000-05:00

"It seemed as if people were not voting on his performance. It seemed as if they were voting for what team they were on. This was not an election. This was station identification." - Thomas Friedman (in the New York Times)

I was considering not voting Tuesday evening, but in last hour I went ahead and did it. I voted my conscience -- and left the presidential portion blank. It was a great feeling, and I'm glad I voted. It was in favor of democracy, if nothing else, and it was great to see turnout go up for a change.

I think Thomas Friedman's observation above is accurate, but I WAS voting on his performance -- the way the Iraq war was sold in particular. And the other guy...

... well, I don't really feel comfortable with either of the big parties (or any of the little ones, for that matter.) But alienation is a feeling I'm accustomed to.

Anyway, that's enough politics for a year... time to catch up on some sleep.

you decide

2004-10-20T20:44:00.000-04:00

All the usual still applies -- working too much, slipping into a mental state that worries me, etc...

I don't know whether to give up on this thing or not. I don't know what to say. I think I've gotten better over the past year or so at mentally confronting things that are bothering me, and I think I've become more honest with myself, so I don't feel as if I need to write here as much for catharsis. That and I feel like I'm repeating myself every two weeks...

But I guess I should be, since it seems like I've been living the same day over and over again, save for slipping futher behind in my schoolwork and into the passive-aggressive defensive crouch I use whenever I'm disgusted with myself and annoyed by everyone else...

And there's no relief anymore... the alcohol, the music, the porn...

they made this feeling go away, at least for a little while. They gave me a place to hide.

The election:

I'm still one of the great undecided. I'm going to be a little shocked and dismayed no matter who wins. I'm leaning toward pulling the lever for "none of the above."

Far from being a virtuous act or a civic duty, I've tended to see voting as an act of selfishness or hubris -- selfishness, if one votes in self-interest; hubris, if one presumes to know better than one's fellows what's best for society.

Maybe I'm looking at it wrong?

what now?

2004-10-04T19:48:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been two weeks, and I suppose it's time to check in.

Nothing's new. I've just been on cruise control -- work, eat, schoolwork, sleep. I don't think I've done any kind of socializing outside of work since then -- which is a long time, even for me, but I'm not bothered by it much.

I've been feeling pretty good, but I'm really bored with my life right now. I've been finding myself just biding my time until the next "event" -- a vacation, graduation, move, whatever -- comes along. That's really no way to live, but I'm unsure of what I can do. Working 60 or so hours a week and going to school half-time doesn't leave much time for other pursuits, but dammit, there has to be something.

I've only got one life to live, and I want to make the most of it...

but how do I make the most of it?

i regress

2004-09-20T18:56:00.000-04:00

Well...

it's been a while. I often think of what I'd be writing in this blog if I were doing so, but for some reason when I sit down in front of this screen, I can't find thoughts nor words.

My mind's still been a bit in the state I described here two weeks ago. A little bit less so... but it's still disturbing, because I've started to grow comfortable in it... like old ratty clothes. Last night I even had "The Nightmare" -- the one I've had dozens of times, but thought I'd finally banished from my subconscious.

I'd say that I want to re-center my mind to somewhere more healthy and wholesome... but I'm not sure it would be the truth.

hello again.

2004-09-06T20:28:00.000-04:00

Has it been two weeks since I last posted here?

I guess so. It seems that I've gotten out of some new habits and into some old ones... not all the way, but a bit. Not drinking or smoking or the rest, but mostly into a state of mind. My sense of humor has taken on a caustic tone that I never thought would resurface.... my sexual ruminations have become more deviant... and I'm overcome by an overall sense of restlessness.

If I can't shake it, I guess I'll just wait it out. I don't really like who I used to be, but I do miss what it was like to feel alive... and I wonder if I'll ever feel that way as the "normal" person I'm striving to be.

better living through chemistry

2004-08-24T21:25:00.000-04:00

I have no motivation or inspiration to "blog" tonight, but I'm doing so to keep in practice.

There's nothing new with me; I've been working a lot, reading a little, and not much else... my mental state has been a bit volatile; it seems to happen around this time of year for some reason. I'm functional and sane for the most part, but when I get stuck up in my head for too long, sometimes my thoughts start to get a little...

...off.

It's not as bad as last year, and I think a lot of it can be attributable to a little pill I take daily -- one that may have saved my life. As screwy as I am and as bad as I feel sometimes, it's nothing close to the way I was then. Simply being conscious was painful, and my brain was scrambled so badly that formulating and spitting out a complete sentence sometimes required a herculean effort. I really don't know what caused it. I've never really fit neatly into one category of mental disorder, if any at all. All I know is that a few weeks after taking this little white pill, things, relatively speaking, have been going great. I have no life, I have a lot to atone for, but I'm young yet, and I think if I can keep my head screwed on just a little bit, then maybe I'll get to do some neat things over the next 50, 75, years on this mortal coil.

losing ground

2004-08-15T21:10:00.000-04:00

I've been fucking up enough at work that I've had serious fears of getting fired. It seems my mind has sunk into one of those states... and I just can't shake it. I'm bitter, defensive, and passive aggressive. I'm impatient, and I'm having trouble concentrating. I'm making careless mistakes. I've had to restrain myself from making flippant comebacks at the management. I rarely talk to anyone at work or elsewhere because my head always seems to be pointed down at the ground because I'm ashamed of who they'd see. I feel like I let them down because I haven't turned out to be as good at this job as they thought I could be. I feel like the whole world's over because if I can't do well at a job like this, how could I ever do anything better?

Will I always be such an emotional and mental wreck? Will I ever be close to normal? What can I do?

milestones

2004-08-10T21:08:00.000-04:00

So I'm writing at the only time I seem to be motivated to -- that is, when I should be doing something else.

I've had a few kind-of milestones recently -- I've now been sober for 18 months, smoke-free for 6 months, and on Thursday I'll have been posting on this blog for 6 months. It all actually seems like it's been longer -- time doesn't always fly, I guess.

I just noticed that haloscan has erased all of my old comments, and I'm a little upset. I thought they were as much a part of this blog as any of my posts were... maybe I or no one else would've ever read them, but I've thought of this as kind of my digital legacy to the world... all the things I couldn't say out loud and all the skeletons I could never claim ownership to...

Anyways, I guess I'll have to look into blogger's commenting feature.

I've been holding back a little recently on this blog because of a nagging fear that someone, someday will determine my identity from reading this or that one day I'll decide to share this with someone I know. It's hard enough to even anonymously write down what a screwed up weirdo I feel that I am...

Oh well... my brain's a screwy place. And here's where it'll be, I guess... next time I have something better to do.

alone but not lonely

2004-07-31T21:02:00.000-04:00

So I really don't know what to write about here, but it's been so long that I feel like I should. Things have been going pretty well. My job has pretty much consumed my life, which is okay -- at least so far, it's challenging, which is a good thing.

Actually, I really don't feel like writing at all. I haven't had any one thing in particular bothering me or dominating my thoughts recently. I'm just taking it one day at a time and hoping that once I've settled in to this new job and into a groove with school that one day I'll have a little money, a place of my own, some hobbies, some friends to spend some time with, and maybe someone special to... but that's probably a little while off.

Five years it's been! Five years since she said goodbye and I haven't had a relationship since. And I've been happy with that...

But am I missing out on something?

a short breather

2004-07-23T20:59:00.000-04:00

So I haven't been posting in a while because I've been using what free moments I've had for mindless distractions, and all of this schoolwork and work-work has left me kind of dazed. Time is passing at a strange pace -- I don't even know what day it is without stopping to think hard about it. As I'm writing this I'm trying to figure out if I've missed a credit card or car payment this month... and now it's time for me to go to bed.

time and a half

2004-07-14T20:53:00.000-04:00

Has it really been 10 days? It seems like four.

It appears that work is going to be working me 52-60 hours a week pretty consistently. I know that to some people that isn't too much; but to me it feels like it consumes my life. Especially since I'm one of those people who feels like hell whenever I don't get a full eight hours of sleep.

All in all the job is going well. I'm getting better at it. I like my co-workers for the most part and the management is bearable.

I got one class out of the way for school; the final went well. I'm really falling behind in my other class -- it's probably what I should be doing instead of this! Or maybe not -- I think this is important. Like praying. If I can't keep my head and heart in line, everything else falls out of place.

Time to get ready for bed...

land of the free

2004-07-04T20:39:00.000-04:00

Somewhere a family is sitting on a picnic blanket staring expectantly at the sky. The younger children are fidgeting with excitement over a treat made all the more delicious because it happens but once a year (and a year is an eternity to them). Mom is a bit worn out from keeping the kids under control, and dad is just happy to have two days off in a row (for once) and to have some time with the kids and the wife (despite a few furtive glances at scantily dressed young women walking by.)

Somewhere a teenage couple is sitting on the hood of a car staring at the same sky, but the blooming bursts of light are nothing compared to the electricity they feel when their hands touch.

Somewhere in a backyard, a group of old high school friends, separated by hundreds of miles from September through May, are enjoying some beer, burgers, and hot dogs; they're talking about grades, internships, and how the prom queen had a nervous breakdown (and was hospitalized with an eating disorder) while the plain Jane from AP History has a 4.0 at an Ivy League school and is now hot as hell.

Somewhere in the same neighborhood an extended family has taken over the living room, kitchen, deck, backyard, and parts of the street. Some aren't having a good time, but most are, some to their own surprise. The adults catch up on what they've been up to in the past 6 months and chat about the stock market, gas prices, and Saddam Hussein. The girls are out back chasing each other around with sparklers, while some of the more mischievous boys are out in the street launching bottle rockets horizontally. The less adventurous ones simply watch with awed grins.

Somewhere at a public park a group of veterans in black leather are waving red, white, and blue flags with genuine pride.

Somewhere at a coffee shop a group of highly educated but underemployed young people are bemoaning American imperialism and corporate greed.

Somewhere, a man in his mid-twenties hides in the same bedroom he's hidden in for the past 16 years, wondering why he feels so alone in it, and even more alone outside of it.

an interstellar burst

2004-06-30T20:01:00.000-04:00

I guess I'll keep my streak of Wednesday check-ins going.

I feel pretty damn good. Work's been going well, the weather has been nice, and the demons have been at bay the past couple of days. I know I'll collapse again soon. But until then I'm just going to smell the roses. It seems like it's been years.

going it alone

2004-06-23T21:11:00.000-04:00

It's been almost two weeks since I've been to my counseling group sessions or an AA meeting. I'm not too worried about the former; I've been in the group almost three times as long as the recommended treatment length, and I'm going to leave it soon anyway. And I don't really feel as if I need AA. I know that I cannot drink safely. Therefore, I don't drink. I needed a lot of handholding at first. I'm past that though, I think. Drinking is not an appealing option to me.

I guess what's bothering me is that I feel very alone and spiritually vacant without some sort of guiding philosophy/group/whatever to keep me grounded. My thinking patterns have gotten progressively different in the past few weeks, and not always in a good way.

I wish I did believe in some kind of religion or fit into a recovery group, but the people in them have always rubbed me the wrong way.

I gave up instant gratification. Now what?

A reason. A purpose. A mission. Where?

help me i am in hell

2004-06-16T16:58:00.000-04:00

Tears are welling up in my eyes but they won't fall... maybe this will give me some kind of catharsis.

This new job has hit me hard. The hours, the people, the stress... the taking on of so much more work and shitter hours for a little bit more money... and for a job that many people laugh at. I'm really falling apart a little bit.

I've been thinking about suicide a good deal lately. I used to be able to kind of tell when I thought about that kind of thing if it was sincere or not. Now I really can't. I think about ending it all and I feel comforted. It's my nicest little daydream. I can't imagine anything better anymore. I pretty much died when I was twenty. Sometimes I wish I'd ended it all then. I haven't been happy or close to it since. I don't think I was ever fit to grow up. I can't handle this and I don't want to handle it. It's just a little more pain until I can't take anymore then it backs off just long enough to tease me then it comes back stronger than I ever thought it could.

And for what? I used to think "it'll get better" but it never fucking did. It never fucking does. I quit drinking and try to become a kinder person and what happens? Nothing does. I go through shrinks and medicines and I get down on my knees every day to beg some God to help me out of here and nothing ever changes.

once again the vague fear of hell keeps me going. or am i falling for the same fucking trick again... sometimes i cant help but wonder if i DID kill myself when I was twenty.

Busy, busy, busy...

2004-06-12T20:42:00.000-04:00

I still haven't gotten around to completing the thoughts of my last post, but I should get around to it sometime soon.

These past few days have been very busy -- I put off so much of my schoolwork that I'm behind despite all the time I've had off work. The only way I seem to operate is under pressure. But too much pressure, and I crack...

... I got a new computer the other day, and I noticed that this blog looks absolutely awful except under whatever settings my old computer was on... guess it's time to learn a little HTML... but first, I have a few other things to learn.

a square peg

2004-06-04T23:37:00.000-04:00

So, I'm starting my new job on the 14th. I guess I should feel something about it, but I don't... it's not what I ever dreamed I'd be doing in my mid-twenties... but I get what I've worked for, and I haven't worked for much.

I've been putting off posting again. The reason is (I think)that I try to be as honest as I can here, and it's not easy for me to do with certain subjects.

As I was saying to c.b. and SAM in the comment section of my last post...

For some reason I just really haven't clicked with A.A. I actually love the spiritual principles, love the steps, love the way of living... I will carry a lot of that with me even if I never set foot in another A.A. room again. I guess it's partly the people... and partly that I'm just antisocial a lot of the time.

I have no problem with my addictions therapy group that I attend once a week... because there's someone with a master's degree in the subject guiding it along. In AA, sometimes it feels like the inmates running the asylum... pompous blowhards leading meetings... cliquishness... all the "experts" with conflicting opinions. People rambling on about their personal life, usually without any kind of connection to alcohol.

I feel bad saying all that. But it's what I think oftentimes. I've been to a good number of different meetings. I've been sober for going on 17 months. But I've never felt like a part of a group. I've never had much extended contact with people there. As I said, I'm pretty antisocial. I don't really enjoy small talk with people I don't really know. I don't start conversations with people I don't know unless it would be really awkward not to. And I have a hard time relating to people who aren't like me in a few ways... and around here in A.A., that's just about everyone. Most of the time I'm the youngest male by 10 years or so. They're not the people I drank with or hung out with...

It's getting late. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this anymore. More later.

waving goodbye

2004-05-27T23:07:00.000-04:00

So I think I'm going to get the job. It's not the job I ever wanted, but it's a living. Soon I'll be out living on my own and ah... I don't know. I guess just continuing to fade away.

I'm very jealous of all of you. All of you people with "lives" and friends and things to do and lovers to kiss and futures to look forward to. I had all those things once. Or at least I thought I did. I'm really not sure what happened.

just standing around and i don't know why

2004-05-23T23:55:00.000-04:00

I'm really not in the mood to write right now, especially given that I just got done writing a paper for school... but I'm going to do it anyway, just to stay in practice.

Right now I am just numb. I have spent almost the entire weekend in my house, and I am going further insane than usual. I still haven't heard from the company I was supposed to start working for... God only knows what has happened. If I don't get the job, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I have no real experience or job skills... and all of the other entry-level jobs I've found are either dead-end jobs or don't pay well enough to enable me to live on my own -- which is something I really want to do desperately. In this house, I just feel like I'm waiting to die.

I remember back when I was 18 and had moved back home after flunking out of college... I had never intended to come back home after I left for school. But there I was, feeling like the world's biggest failure. And here I am, more years than I care to count later, and the feeling hasn't changed...

I don't know where I'm going with this. But every year I feel like something has got to give... but nothing ever does. I guess if I want anything, I have to go get it... but that's a prospect that has always scared me to death.

back in my cage

2004-05-19T21:58:00.000-04:00

I'm back.

When I arrived there I thought I'd completely lost my mind. Why in the world was I checking into this hotel so far away from home, alone? Especially in such a bad frame of mind? I hated the place... nothing but bad memories. I considered leaving back for home that night.

A few hours later I didn't want to go home anymore. By the next day I wasn't sure if I EVER wanted to go home again.

I loved being able to stay up as late as I wanted without tiptoeing around the house. I loved being able to take a shower with the bathroom door open. I loved having a nice porch on which I could sit and read in peace.

It was wonderful to be able to meditate in silence. To say my prayers out loud. To sing. To wake up, not be woken up.

To be able to go out and take a long walk at night without cars whizzing past, without having to smile and say hello to neighbors I don't like, without being stared at like I'm some burglar by neighbors I don't know.

There, I felt like my own human being. Here, I'm part who I think these other people want me to be and part smoldering resentment over the fact that I'm incapable of being who I want to be.

There, I just was who I was. A bit rougher, a bit less people-pleasing, a bit more vulgar... every bit as confused, but at least I wasn't something I was not. I was comfortable in my ugliness. And I think I was more willing and able to change it, maybe. Because it wasn't for other's sake or for appearance's sake. It was for my own.

taking a deep breath

2004-05-16T21:45:00.000-04:00

Alas, I don't deal with stress too well. It appears I'm going to have my impromptu vacation. I've been a jittery mess the last three days -- I'm getting a little manic -- difficulty sleeping, racing thoughts, anxiety, periods of euphoria, etc.

I've also been craving alcohol... so I'm a little worried, especially since I've made my trip plans and I'll be going away for the first time in almost two years.

I'm trying to stay on an even keel and just hang with it. Wish me luck.

All dressed up

2004-05-13T23:33:00.000-04:00

So, my last day at work is Saturday and the paperwork for my new job has hit a snag... which means my start date may be delayed for as long as two weeks... which means I'll have nothing to do... and sitting at home drives me nuts.

So, assuming I don't start next week, what do I do? I'd like to go somewhere, but I don't like the idea of traveling for pleasure alone... it's depressing and I think I'd look like a weirdo. That, and a margarita at the beach might be extremely hard to turn down without someone to talk me out of it... Come to think of it, I haven't traveled anywhere since I've been sober. And I always got extremely drunk on vacations.

I do have one friend getting out of school for the summer next week... and one friend high enough up in his company that he might be able to skip town with short notice... and I have a friend I could visit out in Phoenix... but what is there to do in Phoenix? I'm thinking beach... warm sun and scantily clad women. San Diego/LA? Catch a Lakers game? Miami?

Guess I'll see what happens when I talk to the H.R. guy tomorrow.

Thanks

2004-05-12T21:39:00.000-04:00

Thanks to shaye and celestial blue for putting links up to here on their blogs. I'm flattered, but I'm also a little embarrassed because your blogs are relatively clean and wholesome, while this one isn't always...

I'm going to put links up to your sites unless you complain.

What elephant?

2004-05-06T22:56:00.000-04:00

Should I be studying, or should I be blogging?

I don't know, but this feels more right at the time. That and I've been pathologically avoiding studying over the past few days. One thing I've learned over the years is that avoiding a small activity is usually a way of mentally avoiding something even larger or deeper. Like right now, I'm sure I'm avoiding thinking about completing my degree.

I'm a major avoider and a major procrastinator -- we alcoholics and children of alcoholics are like that. The way out is through the bottle -- there, it's gone now, isn't it?

I once trashed my perfect credit rating because I stopped paying my credit card bills. I had the money to pay them. But I didn't -- I told myself a dozen excuses of why I couldn't. The real reason? I'd actually have to face up to the fact that my savings were dwindling down and I would soon be broke -- which would mean I'd have to find a job. Which I couldn't do -- I was drinking 'round the clock. And I did that because of all the other things I didn't dare look at...

But this isn't what I wanted to write about tonight -- that's right, I'm avoiding it -- but I'll get to it in time.

Been Here Before

2004-05-02T00:45:00.000-04:00

So, what's new?

Not a lot of good, despite possibly getting one of the big things I was asking for -- the new job.

I went to my shrink the other week, and she gave me an assignment -- a mood chart to complete each day, along with instructions to keep a short diary writing down what I've done each day. So most of the chronicles of my miserable existence have been shifted to paper.

I'm so cranky and down right now. But if I can't let it out here, where can I?

My online class has gobbled up way more time than I thought it would have. It's nice to have something to do in the time I'm not working, but it's awfully boring at times and I can't seem to find time to do the things I used to like to do for a few hours each week -- this blog, reading, watching one or two shows or games.

One strange thing about my moods that I've never quite been able to convey to anyone is my tendency to simultaneously be "up" and "down." I can be hyper and wired, thoughts racing, and just wanting to curl up somewhere and die. I've felt like that quite a bit the past few days.

And every time I get into one of these mood grooves I can't help but believe that I'll never get out of it, even though I always do. But knowing that is of no consolation. I always come to revisit the dark places I've been before. My life is one f----ed up carnival ride. New medications and new people shift the view a bit but it always ends up the same.

And now the only things that kept me going -- the alcohol, the infatuations, the youthful optimism -- are gone and I'm just riding this ride for the twenty-sixth time and each time it keeps getting more depressing. I'm so used to it that I don't even really want to die anymore like I used to think I did. I've made it this long and I'll make it all the way through till someone or something else takes me. Who knows where the ride goes from there. I don't really even care about that anymore -- well, I hope there isn't a hell -- but if it just ends, that's perfectly cool. Really. The carrot doesn't work anymore. It's always yanked away -- Lucy never lets Charlie Brown kick the f---ing football. The only thing that keeps me honest is the stick -- that bit of fear that still stays with me from Sunday school. So I go on in the world, living a life of trying not to screw things up anymore, waiting to die.

And still part of me still hopes there's a way f---ing out of here.

OK, a stupid post. But it's how I feel.

i've got no motivation

2004-04-22T01:02:00.000-04:00

This past week or so I've been unable to motivate myself to do much of anything -- schoolwork, work-work, or this blog. All I've really wanted to do is stare at the wall or the clouds and daydream of a time when life seemed kinda fun and I hadn't flushed my future down the toilet.

Nothing much new to report. I've been even spacier than usual the past couple of days -- doing some ridiculously stupid things. None that anyone's noticed, thankfully. Although I did one today that someone will probably notice later... oh well. I guess if I'm an idiot, I can't hide it from the world forever.

But being an idiot is one of the least of my failures. Things from my past still creep into my thoughts just about every day. Guilt. But what can I do about it?

I'll keep praying. I don't know what else to do...

still faking it

2004-04-13T00:46:00.000-04:00

So, I've just taken my night meds, and it's a race against the clock until I can no longer write because I can't hold a thought.

The past week? Oh, I don't know. It was okay for a while. Getting back into the groove of schoolwork, and I went to a couple of AA meetings. I really do like some of them. I'm just still really apprehensive about getting involved for various reasons.

The weekend and today kind of sucked. I can feel myself getting those manic-like symptoms. They aren't too harsh. But they're there, and they scare me. Sometimes parts of my brain just seem to shut down while others speed up to a million miles an hour. Like tonight.

I was an asshole at work tonight. I couldn't contain my bitchiness, paranoia, and slightly condescending attitude. One of my co-workers asked me to pick up a few of their shifts for the next few weeks, and I just about lost it. It was really embarrassing in hindsight. I hate to be seen like that. As they say, it takes a lifetime to build a reputation and a second to ruin it. I just don't know what to do about it. Pray, apologize where I can, and move on, I guess.

Other things have been bothering me, too. I'm not sure if I should mention them here. Let's just say I had a minor incident yesterday. After seeing something that disturbed me. I'm not sure what to do about this problem. But I really think it's hindering me in my recovery. Again, I'll pray, and maybe some God will do something.

still living in this world

2004-04-05T00:23:00.000-04:00

Here I am again, isolated in my little cocoon. I've spent the day alone at home except for venturing out to an A.A. meeting. It didn't go too well.

The topic, for some reason, was gossiping -- and it turned into pretty much just that. Sometimes a meeting will just make me want to run in the opposite direction and never come back, and this was one of those meetings. I'd thought that long-time A.A.'s would be beyond such things, but apparently not. It kind of depressed me... in some way I've been looking for the spiritually pure to kind of save me somehow. I was hoping I'd find that in A.A., but maybe not.

It was kind of funny, on tonight's episode of The Sopranos, Christopher, a recovering alcoholic, went out drinking and totally off the deep end over a false rumor. Tony tells him: "Who cares what they think? You know the truth." To which Christopher replies: "Yeah, but I gotta live in the world."

That really struck a chord with me on a few levels. You do the right thing, you try to clean yourself up inside, but everything around you stays the same.

Try as hard as I might to find another way, I still gotta live in this world. And I really haven't liked it very much for a long time.

Okay, maybe I'm rambling... I've been a little spacey (manic?) today. To recap the week... I don't even really remember, so it couldn't have been anything too important.

Time to pray and to sleep.

emotional amnesia

2004-04-02T00:08:00.000-05:00

I seem to remember that once I knew what it felt like to know and to be known, to care and to be cared for, to want and to be wanted.

I've been wondering if I don't because I don't or I don't because I can't.

I hate you

2004-03-28T00:13:00.000-05:00

It's been an up and down week, and it's ended with me being bitter and pissed off.

I went to quite a few A.A. meetings, and it felt pretty good to do it.

I enrolled in a college distance education course. It looks a little interesting, but also like a lot of work.

I wrote a letter to an old friend/girlfriend telling her what I've been up to in the past five years. It'll be interesting to find out what she thinks of it. But maybe I'll never know.

I went to my friend's going away party at a bar Thursday night. It was pretty bizarre. A few girls I used to hang out with were there, as well as another old friend and a couple of acquaintances. I shot some pool, doing fairly well to my surprise, and talked a good bit, also to my surprise. I left with that feeling of wondering whether I made a fool or an ass out of myself.

The past few days at work I've been a little out of kilter. A little less adroit and apt to hide my thoughts and emotions, most of them negative, of course. I actually briefly yelled at someone today. I think that is a first at work. Again, I left with that feeling of wondering whether I made a fool or an ass out of myself.

And I can't help but keep thinking that life just sucks. I am going nowhere. I have nothing. I have nobody.

And it seems like nobody cares. And that hurts. Because I'm fragile and every slight makes me feel a little less worth living. And that's why so often I think I hate all of you.

too old for this

2004-03-19T00:03:00.000-05:00

They say that addicts and alcoholics stop maturing when they start using.

When I was 14, down on myself, down on life, and needed to blow off some steam, I'd meet up with my friends, smoke cigarettes, talk about girls, drink beer, and dream of some kind of future.

What the hell do I do now?

Checking in

2004-03-13T23:47:00.000-05:00

Haven't been in the mood for writing recently, but I will just to stay in the habit.

I really lost my temper on Thursday night -- something I rarely do.

Otherwise, it's just been more laps on the exercise wheel: work, sleep, counseling, AA meetings, and a little reading and TV when I can.

I'm extremely bored by it all, but I'm not sure what else I can do.

Considering where I've been, though, bored is a pretty nice place to be.

a leaf falls

2004-03-09T23:36:00.000-05:00

I've been a little unstable the past few days.

Part of it's been the fact that I lowered my nicotine patch dosage, part of it the diet I'm on, part of it the people around me, and part of it, I'm sure, just the comings and goings of my moods.

Saturday night kind of sucked. Most of the people I met up with I didn't know, and it seemed those that I did had little interest in talking to me. Those were the people I hung out with back in the "good old days" of partying. I guess I'm a lot less interesting when I'm no longer supplying them with alcohol.

It also hurt a bit to see my "best friend" seemingly more interested in the other people there as well. I realize that we've grown apart somewhat, so I understand...

But it just reinforces the loneliness and isolation I feel. It seems there's no one I have a real emotional connection with anymore.

Maybe no man is an island, but I'm a pretty narrow peninsula.

So, it's been kind of hard the past couple of days just to keep myself from losing it. I know that a lot of what I worry about I'm blowing out of proportion. It's just that I keep waiting for things to get better yet they never seem to.

I do know what I want out of life:

self-esteem;
self-sufficiency;
true friends;
true love;
spiritual peace;
some kind of work to leave the world a better place.

No where close to any of those things, and I don't know where to find them.

I'll keep praying.

No pain, no gain

2004-03-05T23:34:00.000-05:00

I'm only barely coherent right now... but I feel the need to put something down.

I was dismayed to find that after six weeks of being smoke-free I've gained about ten pounds. So, I've put myself on a reduced calorie diet (1500).

On day three, here I am going insane... not sure if I can stick with this or not, but I'm not going to let myself become fat again.

Anyway, today at work wasn't too great. I was kind of hyper and a little bit rude to people a few times. I worry myself when I get this way. And I wonder what people are going to think of me now...

Going out with the guys tomorrow night for some "adult entertainment" (their idea, not mine.) Should be interesting...

Oops

2004-03-04T01:17:00.000-05:00

Made a few embarrassing mistakes at work today, but my coworkers are probably so used to it by now that I really have no face to save anymore.

I used to let things like that bother me for hours, but lately I've been trying to shrug them off as much as possible...

I've been told that that kind of worrying is a sin of pride, and maybe they're right. It's just that I'm afraid that if I don't engage in self-flagellation, then I'll be doomed to make the same mistake over again.

Reprieve

2004-03-02T00:26:00.000-05:00

What a strange day it was.

I can't think of a single thing to complain about.

I can't think of a single thing that went wrong.

All the depressing thoughts that swirl around my head all day were still there, but even they went away when I really wanted them to.

Maybe things really could be getting better...

Alone in a crowd

2004-03-01T00:34:00.000-05:00

Well...

It was a pretty eventful weekend as far as my weekends go.

I caught up with many old friends and acquaintances I hadn't seen in years.

It was pretty fun while it lasted, but I left with an empty feeling inside. It's something I always get after those rare occasions when I get out and do any extended socializing. Realizing how emotionally distant and different I am (or feel) from just about everybody really depresses me. And learning how successful and happy my peers are made it that much worse.

Time to say a prayer and go to bed.

Fading away into maturity

2004-02-28T00:39:00.000-05:00

... so I lied, and no other post came on Thursday.

I've just had a hard time summoning a "voice" in the past few days.

I found out yesterday that soon I will be getting the job that I applied for a while back -- the "career" job. The one that affords the trappings of a solid middle-class lifestyle -- all at the low price of being a faceless cog in the machine.

But, I have to eat. And if I'm ever going to have a spouse, let alone a family, then a stable job and a livable income are necessities. I'm getting too old to spend my time scheming over striking oil or changing the world -- or maybe I'm just old enough to realize that I'm never going to.

I can admit it -- accept it, even -- but it still somehow doesn't feel right.

Inside out

2004-02-26T01:25:00.000-05:00

Way too tired tonight for anything other than a simple little post...

Today (yesterday, technically) was my first day back at work in almost a week. It felt good, for the most part.

It was inspection day, so all of the management was there, including the owner. Normally, I'm a bit anxious and shy when around them, particularly when it's a group of them, but not today. Part of the reason was they were in a good mood, but also lately I haven't been my usual reserved self for some reason.

That's not always a good thing -- it means I'm also less likely to conceal my mood when I'm peeved, which is something I try hard to do at work. Today I couldn't and I'm now paranoid I may have caused some friction between me and one of the managers...

More in the p.m...

time to sleep.

p.s. - my hero for the day: Alan Greenspan. Nice to see someone in Washington make note of the elephant in the national living room.

Gettin' ugly

2004-02-24T00:08:00.000-05:00

No deep thoughts or emoting tonight, just some odds and ends.

They still haven't fixed my car, so I've been stranded here another day... is there any type of business in the world more troublesome to deal with than auto repair?

Out of curiosity and boredom this weekend I submitted some photos over at hotornot.com. I last did this 4 years ago. Since then, it seems I've lost a little over a point. And I was hoping I'd age gracefully...

Still, I actually scored higher than I thought I would -- so I guess it's my personality the women don't like... ;-)

Or maybe it's just 'cause I'm poor.

Anyway, I can't wait to get back out and about tomorrow...

Till then...

Good night.

Half empty

2004-02-22T21:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's hard to stay on the straight and narrow when I really don't believe in God.

It seems the only things that fill me up are the things that leave me emptier the next day.

All I want is to believe in something.

The only comfort I can find is that fate takes its course, and all I can strive for is acceptance that that is the only comfort I'll ever get.

Feeling the love

2004-02-21T17:59:00.000-05:00

If I would have known it was this easy to have hot chicks bring me some love, I would've started blogging years ago. ;-)

A very cool blog:

http://celestialblue.blogspot.com/

Time to clean, for real this time.

Somnolence and Lethargy

2004-02-21T16:49:00.000-05:00

Ten and a half hours of sleep last night, which has been par for the course this week. Despite it all, it still requires tremendous effort to pull myself out of bed (couch). I figured the weather change and lengthening days would throw my biorhythm out of whack a bit, but this is just weird. On top of that I've been craving cigarettes all day and eating non-stop. All in all, still infinitely better than I was this time last year.

After doing my taxes last night, I discovered I'll be receiving a refund about $1,000 dollars larger than I had anticipated... that takes away a bit of the sting from the car troubles...

I've done nothing today but read the newspaper and hop around the web so it's time to start doing some cleaning.

Cabin Fever

2004-02-20T22:14:00.000-05:00

Well.

Today I've done none of the constructive things I'd planned to do, but many of the destructive things I planned to never do again.

Two days off work, and I've lapsed back into the same person I was during my long bout of unemployment -- the old web haunts, the porn, the self-pity, the loneliness, the depression...

Even the agoraphobia has come back to some extent. In my one foray out of the house today (out to pick up prescriptions,) I got that familiar fuzzy, anxious feeling.

But I've learned something, and I only learn the hard way...

Time to start doing my taxes.

Hello, walls

2004-02-19T23:34:00.000-05:00

Guess this thing is more private (or the title less enticing) than I'd realized -- no hits after my last post (or is at an "entry"?).

Anyway, I guess I'll stick at this thing for a while -- even this little bit of navel gazing on here has left me feeling a little silly, and given how much of it I do in my head, maybe I've learned something already.

Good night...

Hello, world

2004-02-19T22:46:00.000-05:00

Well, I've finally got this thing laid out close to the way I want it. This thing, as the quote below hints at, is a way for me to clarify my thoughts a bit. In doing so, I hope to learn a few things about myself, maybe preventing me from doing some of the stupid things I've done in the past to get myself in this miserable situation I find myself in...

My mood right now can only be described as frustrated -- my car is in the shop for $2500 worth of repairs and I'm stuck at home for the weekend with nothing to do and no one to spend time with who doesn't drive me batty...

I'm really unsure how much self-censorship to use here -- my original plan was to use none, but I'm afraid that might create some boring reading and I'm really not sure I want people to know that much about me, despite my anonymity...

Maybe this whole thing is a silly exercise in narcissism and I should just shut it down right now. I'll think about it...

Is this thing on?

2004-02-12T23:34:00.000-05:00

"Thinking tends to express itself in words, spoken or written. The person who says he knows what he thinks but cannot express it usually does not know what he thinks." - Mortimer J. Adler