indecision

This started as a response to Sam, but I think it's become a post in its own right:

Sam,

Thanks for your concern and words of wisdom. When I stop and think about it, neither of these choices seem like great ones. But I may end up doing both anyway.

I think both cases come down to fear of confrontation -- or maybe abandonment. I'm afraid to confront my doctor with, "Hey, I think what you've been doing isn't working. I know this isn't by the book, but would you try this?"

I'm now afraid to confront my friend with "I'm going to renege on my agreement to get an apartment with you." This person is currently charged with assaulting his girlfriend (who would be my other roommate, and is way too young for my friend.) He was very intoxicated at the time. I now see that he is an addict and alcoholic. He says he has been sober since the incident (a couple months ago), and after I questioned him, he said he was "staying sober for myself, and nobody else." I'm not sure that I believe him, but his girlfriend has made it clear that she won't tolerate him drinking or using either.

Anyway, I don't think anything he could do would make me use or drink. Still, I don't think living in an episode of Jerry Springer would be great for me either.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I told him I'd have my completed apartment application ready today or tomorrow.

it's gone

That really pisses me off. I just typed up several paragraphs and then my computer shut down. Now the post is gone...

The gist of what I wrote was that my living situation may be changing again. I have agreed to get an apartment with an old friend and his girlfriend. This is good and bad. Bad in that he is probably not the greatest influence upon me, but good in that I won't become trapped in my head as much. I really need to expand my horizons, and any foothold I can get onto the outside world helps. Just being able to connect with other people here and there increases my ability to connect with everyone.

I saw my shrink. I don't think that she really gets what's wrong with me. She is content to stay with my current med regimen. While it's true that I'm not falling apart all the time like I used to, I'm still not stable at all. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this, but I am planning on ordering one of my meds off of the internet to increase the dosage to see what happens.

OK, I had more I wanted to say but it's time to get ready for bed. Shouldn't be as long until next time...